Just… *exhales and sighs*

I feel rotten today.

I spent Tuesday afternoon onwards at my boyfriends house. I don’t spend alot of time there because of recent problems I’ve had with my Crohn’s, its easier to be at home. But we had a night and a day off together so decided to spend it together. And even though we have been together for almost 4 years now, I still don’t feel comfortable enough to just get up and walk to the loo and be gone, for sometimes ages; whenever he lives. Even when my Crohn’s is going through a good patch; which now definitely isn’t. Going to the bathroom anywhere else but at home is just weird to me, especially now, after all the time he has seen me at mine. And I will subconsciously hold it – most likely because I am still embarrassed by it; making me uncomfortable, in a ton of pain and generally miserable. But I am trying to be less of a grump and be happy when I am with him; even when its outside of my own comfort zone, because this new place is his comfort zone. That comes with its own set of agonising issues too.

So being unable to go led to a terrible night of sleep when I just couldn’t get comfortable – thank goodness I remembered to take my hot water bottle (HWB) and had that for some relief – and a god awful migraine come the morning. But we had plans to go out yesterday, which we did, I soldiered on and I did feel better. But combating my hydration and how rubbish I felt was difficult. And it subsequently led me to having a early night, taking paracetamol and trying to switch my mind off. The wind last night didn’t help, nor did all the people getting up early to go to work, nor did the fact I still can’t shake my headache and its making me feel more sick than ever.

My car is back in the garage today for a check up on an ongoing issue and I have an interview this evening for a night job that is due to start on Monday. I have my prep to start on Monday and my scope on Tuesday and I am worried this will mean I will miss out on this job, let alone the disruption working from home at night will have on everyone else I live with. I just feel its like one step forward, two steps back lately. I tried my best the last couple of days to be positive and let the gods / fate decide what’s happening with me; and if I can just get through the weekend and through this dreaded scope (because it is now DREADED, I want it over and done with, I just want some relief!) I can be better. I am pinning my hopes on it, but I know I just need to be calm and go with it all. I think I will so relieved when it is done on Tuesday and I know where I am, its been a very emotional wait.

But I can’t stop over thinking and I can’t control my angry, unpredictable butt. It physically hurts and it hurts that it is holding me back from having a job and earning money and being in a routine and being happier. I need the distraction of a job, of something repetitive to do… to feel normal.

Having IBD has isolated me abit more than I would like lately. I just don’t know how to communicate on what is worrying me because it feels so trivial and ‘why am I thinking of that when its not a big issue compared to X, Y or Z‘ and that fear is making me not talk. It is keeping things inside my head and this is probably causing the headaches. I don’t want to keep going on and on about the same old stuff and become *that* person who is always talking about how shit things are; which is why I make fun of it all, whenever I can.

So as much as I hate to moan and I hate to unload and be negative but having IBD at the moment is many things:

Frustrating!

Painful!

Infuriating!

Annoying!

A burden!

This is one of those days when I can not see how strong I am because of it.

Here is my moaning and whining and now its own there, I can brush myself off, find some awesomeness for my interview later and get back on track.