Entry #1 : January 11th 2018

I started CBT this week. Well, the first pre-session appointment. And the psychological wellbeing practitioner hit the nail on the head with some of the issues I have.

When someone, who doesn’t know you in any capacity, can spend twenty minutes with you and your reactions, pin point your issues and make a treatment plan; you know it’s going to be worth the effort.

I went in to the room not sure what to expect but knowing that I had done this twice before, it would be the same. But it wasn’t in the slightest. Previous experiences have focused on my illness and how to cope with everything that it brings to me and takes away. But this counsellor sees deeper issues, running well before my illness was diagnosed. Things that haunt me every day, control my actions and feed into my emotions.

He highlighted anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. 

Things that have been bubbling around since my teenage years.

The thought of going back through my childhood and my time at university fills me with some dread. Of the regrets I have and the guilt I still hold on to. The losses too, because there were many.

I wonder if it’ll all be worth it, delving into my head and into my past. I wonder if finding out who I am and how I behave is a good thing to be doing. I doubt there will ever be a good time to do this, a convenient time to get invested in my mental health but I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to be worse in a couple of years, I want to be better. I want to be.. I don’t know yet but I want to be.

I’m curious to find out but I’m scared it’ll change everything I already love.