Sunday; the night before

Feeling nervous about tomorrow’s appointment at the surgical clinic.

Want to have it all booked and sorted so I know what I’m working towards this Summer but really dreaded it finally being in black and white.

***

I know this is the best option right now. In fact, it’s sort of my only option right now. I’ve failed everything else, and even though the combination of biological drugs have made my colon better in the past twelve months, my terminal ileum is a mess. And it needs to come out so I can move forward; in so many ways!

With the diseased portion of bowel out, I can finally return to work. I can look at low toxic drugs to help maintain my remission once I have it (fingers crossed) and I can look towards a future not dominated by IBD. And that I am really looking forward to.

The pain and stress of getting to this surgery has been a barrage of appointments and procedures on top of months and months of waiting around. And I won’t lie; the time it’s taken to get to just this point has been mentally draining; all the whilst still feeling well below par. Knowing I have to pace myself and really think about when to take a break is tough, even now after four years of having Crohn’s.

So I go back and forth between feeling free and happy about surgery but then suddenly feeling “holy cow how did we get to this already?” Then I realise I’ve realistically known about surgery being my next option since the end of last year. And yes, surgery might not happen for a couple months but there is no getting out of this, there is no going around it. I have to have it in order to get back to being me. Getting back to being at well again. Getting back back to life. Getting back to being at work.

It might only be a “limited bowel resection” but I am hoping it is a step towards that elusive goal of remission. And I know surgery is a small part of that goal.

So every time I panic abit and get scared about being cut open and having bowel removed, I need to remember:

THIS WILL MAKE ME STRONGER.

Pulling me apart will make me stronger.

Physically pulling my guts out will make me stronger, because Crohn’s has already made me realise my strength elsewhere. This is just another piece.