Fuck.

I’m just going to put this out there:

Counselling has really messed with my head.

I know, in some way, it is meant to. But seriously, it does this?

I feel like a goldfish. Just swimming around around the bowl in circles, without being able to find a answer. That’s all I want, some answers. So desperately. So I can get some sleep. So I can talk without hesitation or planning. I am unable to switch off.

I don’t feel guilty or weak for seeking help, its the opposite – I am finally doing something about all the things I can’t control / find resolutions to. But in the same beat, I am so frustrated that I can’t do it on my own. That it is taking an objective stranger to help me see the solutions, to guide me down the right path. I am clearly clouded by everything in my life, to sort my own ‘everything’. UGH.

I am mulling everything over. And I mean everything. Even in just wandering around, or watching tv, or reading a book; my mind is somewhere else, doing overtime trying to piece together the puzzle.

When I was sick, the puzzle was easy. It was a four piece jigsaw – Stop the inflammation. Take new medication. Put weight back on and gain strength. Return to work, to my ‘normal’ life. Simple! Now? Its a fucking 100 piece beast of a jigsaw:

Don’t let Crohn’s run life. Can’t help but let it control it. Keep busy. But relax and stay health. Don’t push body too far. But don’t let it get the better of me. Work hard. Play hard. Enjoy my good days. Limit my bad days. Change diet. Eat bad food, pay for it. Eat shit and put on weight and gain ‘crohn baby’. Not eat. Stress out about friends, family, work, relationship. Keep mouth shut about condition. Lie about medication. Laugh too much, giggle inappropriately. Get told to shut up. Cry. Feel weak and frustrated. Vent on blog. Feel horrible for being nasty and snappy. Panic about needles in my thighs. Worry about surgery. Tell self off for thinking about unknown future. Get depressed that I’m not ‘healthy’. Feel stupid for being silly. Rant to IBD family…

The list goes on and on.

It is a fucking war. A strategic battle that sometimes I win and sometimes I loose. When I win it feels so insignificant compared to all those losses. They cut deep and linger. The lingers is the worst. It just hangs on, and returns with that lovely insomnia. Evil bastards.

Counselling

I feel very apprehensive writing this post. Mostly because I am little scared about admitting and working through my thoughts on my counselling sessions. I can openly talk about my Crohn’s and its effects on my life, but everything else? That might be too much, right? I had my introduction session with my therapist, Wendy, today. She asked me a whole bunch of questions, most of which I nervously tugged at my tights when answering them. I didn’t want to be nervous, but there I was, sitting in a doctors office, talking to yet another stranger about my life. About […]

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Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. Rachel Naomi Remen  (via anditslove)

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Humira #101

Now, I am not a completely stupid girl, I know that the medication I am on helps me; helps relieve the crohns symptoms, and let’s me go out in to the world and kick ass every day. I know from personal experience that everything else has failed – in one way or another – and this is my option at the moment. And what is a couple hundred £££ worth of injection if not brilliant for giving me back my life? So what, I have to actually stick a needle in my thigh bi- weekly? So what, if it takes two […]

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Day 13

So, today is the final day of the current Humira cycle. Yes, it ist just gone midnight on a Wednesday, but I for some reason am wide awake. This cycle has felt completely different. I’ve had so many days of feeling so damn good, it is slightly scary. I’m used to my body starting to flag on Day 9 and start seriously running on fumes by Day 12. This time around? Nothing like that. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been very open and honest about the fact that I have very bad days and very good days – […]

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My disease has become very invisible. I am the Queen of multi tasking at work these days. The depression is hidden too. Six people know about my fears. About my anger and my confusion. They know a limited amount of how hard I struggle every day, with one thing or another. I wish I wasn’t so full of feelings, of negitive thoughts.

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Funny thing about depression. If you’ve never had it, you’ll never fully understand it. It’s like a black hole has been put in your chest and you suddenly can’t breathe anymore. Everything is a blur, everything becomes routine because you don’t have the energy to do anything but what you absolutely have to. Eat, shower, sleep…maybe. You have no reason, you feel like the world is crashing down all around you.

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Invisability

We all know that IBD is an ‘invisable’ condition, that no one notices, or even understands. I spend a considerable time of late on my appearance. I wonder how I look to other people, to strangers who don’t know me from Adam, that have no idea of the torrent of pain I’ve been through, going through, will expect to go through. I put my make up on, fix my clothes, make sure I look as well as possible. I can’t tell you how many times concealer has saved my life on the days when I need to go out of […]

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Moving On.

Being told you have an incurable condition is pretty mind boggling at the best of times. There is so much that runs through you head: what if it never hits remission, what if the meds don’t work, what if I need endless surgeries, how much pain will I have to put up with, when will it stop? It takes an indefinite amount of time to get comfortable with this, with your new found skin. I didn’t handle it pretty well. I suffered through a range of emotions: starting with constant crying, to welling up every time I thought about my […]

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Happiness

There is always some sort of expectation to be happy. Especially seen as I am “alive” and “healthy”. This usually comes from people without a care in the world. Those people who think my life is exactly the same as before I got sick. Well, sadly, it is not. And its not always a happy day for me. Why is there so much emphasis on being ‘happy’? All of the time? Sure, I can sort of see why being happy and positive is such a life assuring thing, but for me, good days are few and far between. To be […]

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Vitals

Photos of myself can only say so much.. so this is me, explaining, well, myself. At the beginning of all this, I was just a slightly chubby girl, happy with work, family and friends. Everything was good until I got food poisoning from a dodgy meal out with a friend last August. Everything changed after that. If I really think about it; and now that I know more about Crohns, my symptoms were apparent months before. Mouth ulcers. Mild diarrhea. Abdominal cramps. Joint pain. But nothing conclusive, nor extreme enough to make seek medical attention. So when I presented with […]

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“Dearest blog..

.. I write today with a mind full of self-pity and frustration. My disease has hold on my life, every aspect of it. It is very solitary, dealing with and learning about it. I have to listen to my body more than I have ever done before, listen to it over my mind and over my heart. I’ve never done that before with anything. EVER. I was, and am, fine on my own. Albeit lonely, I relish the time to myself. Everything has been such a constant go for the past few months – full of worry and patience – […]

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It’s all in the details..

So, a little more personal information about me: I graduated from university almost 2 years ago now and haven’t found, what I call a ‘proper job’ yet. I am employed – I work as a shop assistant in a cafe and bakery in town – but finding that ‘degree relevant’ job that would blossom into a full blown career still eludes me. Now, not that I am ungrateful for all the help and support I’ve received from my employer and co-workers whilst going through my diagnosis and treatments of Crohn’s, I have always been looking for a graduate opportunity to grab […]

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Today has been a rough day. Nothing major has happened, just lots of small things that have accumulated into something.. bigger. Had trouble taking my medication today – only my iron tablet – couldn’t swallow it and almost choked. Am home alone now until I go back to work and it was scary. My glasses are irritating my nose still, so back to my old pair. Found lots of hair in my brush today, and as pathetic as it sounds this part of my day made feel the worse, had a little weep. The physical parts of my disease have […]

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Strength

My body never failed me until August. I wasn’t really ready for it. I guess you never really are until it happens. It forces you to focus. Makes you slightly more paranoid about how well you do things. I lost my ability to walk very far. To even do anything without becoming breathless. I wasn’t used to it. I still suffered with it when I was last discharged. In fact, my last spell at Good Hope rendered me physically drained. It was painful, everything was painful to do. But I had to do it, to work my muscles and get […]

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