I’ve been thinking lately about control and acceptance. In my mind it goes round and round, none stop without pause and without slowing down, even just for a second.
I make my life more complicated by adding more things to it, constantly. I figure that the more I fight against my Crohn’s the better I will be, or something like that. When I have good times I want to be busy, I want to be helpful, I want to be occupied. Being occupied keeps me sane, in many many ways. Take for example – work. And my volunteering work. And this blog. And keeping active. They all accumulate to keep me going. Along with those magic injections, I feel alive. I am making the most of what good time I have. For as long as it last.
And okay, occasionally I need some time to just stop and think and relax.
I admit that that is getting harder to do and harder to find time for it.
Even on a day off from work, I find myself doing everything else still. There is no time for Lou to just sit and read. Or watch a film without interruption. I know that this is my own fault. I can not say no to doing something. I don’t know when to back off. This is part of me and accepting Crohn’s. I know it is, and the more I realise this, the more I realise how little I have accepted things. That this ‘busy Lou’ is just living in denial. Yes, i do those injections every two weeks, but nothing else has presented itself to slow me down. I am going at full steam, always on GREEN; GO GO GO!
I feel cautious all the time. That I will never have a day where I am not conscious about my condition. There is not a day when I don’t think about it, wonder about how bad it will get, when I will get sick again and when I will need medical treatment. I wonder and worry about my relationship and my friendships. I worry about missing work and I worry about the stress it will put on others. But that is me, not being selfish. That is me denying my actual health and my own feelings. I need to take care of me, I know this much. It is just so hard to stop contemplating my future and tempting my own fate.
I should not worry about things beyond my control.
The sooner I learn that I will get sick and I can not change it, the better I will be at recovering from it; whenever and wherever it happens.
It does feel impending though. That one of those traffic lights are going to turn to amber and I won’t notice. Then red and I’ll still be blind to it. It will happen more than a couple times and by that time it will be too late to fix on my own.
I do not want that.
Please, Louise, wake up.
Sooner rather than later.