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I am at an en passe.

I hate that needle with a passion.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon giving blood at the hospital for my upcoming clinic appointment with my GI. That was simple. Not even the sharp scratch I usual feel, nothing. Took two vials of my blood and sent on my way.

Today, Humira time! I’ve done that injection at home for the past 4 months, twice a month. That’s, what, 8 injections? Plus, the half dozen I did at the hospital before hand. I am used to it. But, as you might be aware, it hasn’t been plain sailing of late. The past two shots have been difficult. It started with the cold, and it hasn’t let up. I am scared, in a word. I worry. I can’t switch off. I can’t distract myself like I used to be able to. I can’t even think about anything else but that bastard needle – that sharp stab into my thigh and the squeeze of the injection into my body. It is not pain free and it is not pleasant. I dread it.

So, I swore alot. At myself. I cried abit too, about how pathetic I was and how unacceptable it was to be such a fucking child about this. I tried my breathing relaxation methods and tried to just man up and do it, DO IT! PUSH THE BLOODY BUTTON AND GET IT THE FUCK OVER WITH! STOP BEING SO STUPID AND JUST GIVE YOURSELF YOUR MEDICATION! As time crept on and it became longer and longer, the more I thought about how much it affects my day. About how I haven’t eaten or drunk anything today, that I am desperately thirsty and my guts hurts from lack of food.

Finally, I pushed the button. Sweet fucking release.

I am still mad at myself. But it is done and I am getting on with my day. However, the inability to switch off and just do it first time around is bugging me. I am so very frustrated with my mind for putting that barrier up and not letting me through. It is abit of fear too. Which gets me more frustrated – I have nothing to fear. It does me good, the Humira, it keeps me going – and I just loose it again. I feel disgusted with myself that I feel this way. That the barrier is here, YET AGAIN, and it is so very very big.

I have some solutions though.

– Get someone else to do it for me.

– Change medications.

Both of these two solutions need approval from the GI on Tuesday.

So, let’s enter another waiting game. But let’s have ‘fun’ (whatever I claim fun to be these days) until then.