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It is almost the end of March. I’ve been Crohns symptom free for almost all of March. Besides my blip at work two Saturdays ago, not much has upset my digestive system and even the cloud of Depression has been light and breezy of late.

But tonight, out of nowhere, symptoms. Started with that gurgling stomach. Usually in the mornings, but I ignored it this morning. I didn’t have much breakfast – no change there – and had a very late lunch. Snacked before the big Sunday roast. Ate a butt load of lovely yummy roast potatoes, beef, veg and Yorkshire puddings.. feelings fine, albeit a little bloated. Had a lovely bath. Still fine. Get into bed to watch a film, didn’t last 5 minutes before needed to get back into the bathroom. Then another two times before the end of the film. And that last trip was so damn painful. Like passing razor blades. I sat there – as you do – and was taken right back to October last year when I was in agony in the bathroom. And yes, the panic started to set in. Is this because of something I ate? Is it because of how much I’ve pushed myself this week? Is is my stress levels? Is it my medication acting up? Is it me wanting my next injection that bad, I get sick? What is it?

It is all of a sudden. It feels like a nightmare. That this shit can turn itself on and off when it pleases. And it can stop my life in an instant. Lots of things ran through my mind when I sat there pondering what is going wrong, what I would do. Flare ups scare me more now that I’ve got my life ‘back’ because I don’t know when they will attack and how long they will last. At least in the hospital it was managed by a team of doctors and nurses, and drugs were available to me. Now what I do I have? Some iron tablets and a bi weekly Humira. What about steroids? Where is my stash of them? (Erm, yes, on my last Prednisolone script I was given FAR too many, and I’ve got a couple boxes left of them..) Is this my body, my Crohns way of telling me that Humira is just not good enough? Is this enough to warrant some intervention? Or am I just clutching at straws?