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Crohn’s disease is an Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) and can be confused with Colitis. In my large bowel, there are cysts of inflammation which cause my bowel lining to become irritated by certain foods. Because it has been untreated for the whole month I’ve been sick, my inflammation is very high. I take a number of drugs to help ‘put out the fire’. Steroids to remove the pain, Pentasa to keep the inflammation to a minimum and calcium tablets to help keep my bones strong (in reaction to the steroids I have to take). Each morning I take 40mg of steroid and 2g of Pentasa and two chewable calcium. I get the more horrible gut ache with them, but as soon as I’m finished, I feel more normal, if I can ever feel normal again..

I’ve never been good with tablets. My mom thinks its just a physiological thing and my dad believes its the way I take them. But for the past 5 days at home, I’ve managed to get them down my neck (for the most part) despite how long it takes me. I’ve had two bouts of pity. Of when I phone up my dad at work and just cry, telling him I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. But whenever I feel that way; almost instantly, I know I must take them. Otherwise I will end up worse off, back in a hospital bed, with more needles in me, more drugs to manage and that horrible feeling in my being that I was ‘just that stupid’ to ‘risk my life’.

Nothing about this feels cut and dry. It is very wishy washy and it is frustrating as hell. Because yes, I can control it, but I have no idea how to yet. My next visit to the hospital is next week for a ‘clinic appointment’. I have a million questions – stupid, complicated, ridiculous, pathetic ones – and I have no clue where to begin. Or if I can even begin. I feel as if I’m just going through it alone, very much me watching and waiting for my stupid evil body to fail on me. My body has never done that to me before. I can’t get used to the fact that I can’t go back and be who I was before. But if this has always been in me and it’s just been set off by something, then I can’t get angry at it. It was coming to ‘get me’ regardless.. so, just suck it up Louise. Just.. keep going.