Professional ‘help’; here we go again

… I sat there, in the unused doctors room, filling in paperwork with a counsellor. I pause before all the sentences, wondering where my stupid emotions fall on the scale of 0 to 5. I think about how bad I feel about who I am, how I behave and wonder if I will ever stop thinking and feeling so utterly negatively about myself. I think about how most of these thoughts have been since I got my crohnie butt out of hospital two years ago and went back into “life”. I think about how unfair this is all has been and how bleak…

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Nerves and Anxiety

… I had to decide whether to go or not. I had been out of action and without a social life all through my hospital stays and home recovery periods, I wanted to get out there. But I was afraid. Afraid of being unwell whilst away from home, afraid of the staring people would do when I needed to visit the bathrooms multiple times, the awkward way I would sit if I was in pain, the glances towards me when I refused a alcoholic drink. It was alot of pressure and it made me extremely nervous…   This is an extract from a diary I…

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2013 – Year in Review

This blog turned one year old on the final day of 2013. Those sort of moments tend to allow one to reflected on the past twelve months. When I consider how long and short ago January 2013 was, so much has happened! Here are my highlights: Finally came off the dreaded Humira injections. Created and set up Crohn’s and Colitis UK Staffordshire South group with fellow local IBDers. Celebrated my 25th birthday and one year anniversary with the boyfriend. Becoming group coordinator; mentoring, supporting and raising awareness of IBD. Surviving two failed medications and three awful abscesses. Travelling for the…

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“What a waste of my time”

“What a waste of my time” : something I’d spent most of last week, in the aftermath of my routine clinic appointment, saying to myself. I attended the hospital last Tuesday, after hearing of my approval by my current consultant, his replacement and my IBD nurse for me to start Infliximab, for my already scheduled appointment. I was under the impression, from all the conversations me and my nurse had leading up to my appointment, that my treatment plan was up for discussion. I didn’t even see my GI, I saw some other doctor from the “team”. He had no…

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Unhappy and Empty.

I’ve been without my blog for two months. And those two months have been possibly my worse for a long time. I came back from holiday and returned to work. My support group has gone officially live. I’ve taken two new Crohn’s medications, four rounds of antibiotics, packets of painkillers, becoming slightly dependent on Tramadol and felt so utterly depressed, alone and isolated I don’t know what to do with myself. So I am turning to writing to help soothe the cracks in my mind and in my heart. On the most simple level of feeling, I am tired. I’m tired…

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