“I said earlier that people who already had someone when they got sick are lucky. But I think the ones who find someone who chooses to be with them even though they are already sick are even luckier.”
I’m going to be honest. When I first got diagnosed, I wondered not how I was going to manage CD but how I would be with someone. Who would want me like this? I was terribly single at that point back in September last year; the last thing on my mind was complicating my own life with someone else; but I couldn’t imagine not being with someone. That elusive someone.
I’m not sure if having CD made fight harder for someone, or it just who I am, but since I got well enough to get back out there – in all aspects of the word – I try hard. At everything. To do everything. Even date. And sure, it’s worked. And its failed. Never had my condition been a sticking point. Never have I felt bad because of it. I feel proud of it. It makes me. I keeps me going. It provides me with drive.
But. There will come a day when I get sick again. And I wonder whether or not I will want to be alone to deal with that or share it with someone. Being sick is alot of things; its needles, its hospital, its horrible tests, its scans, its blood, its guts and it is frustrating, hard and lonely. It is not pleasant. It is me at possibly my worst. It is me crying constantly because I am in pain and because I can’t control it. It is me angry.
My current boy is practically my best friend. And we were friends for a time before we got together. He knows me Crohn’s inside and out, as much as he can. He wants to be prepared for the eventual day when I do get sick. He wants to help. That might sound sweet and lovely, but it worries me. Half of my mind wants to laugh : “How can you be prepared for something that could or could not happen? How can you maybe be ready for that? Even I’m not!” Then the other half of me say: “What if that day comes and it is too much? It was too much for me when I was in that situation, when this was reversed all those years ago, I lost it. I panicked and freaked out and said alot of hateful, hurtful things. What is stopping him from doing that? Saying that? Being that? Walking away?”
This is the eternal dilemma of a Crohnie. Letting people in. Especially when you’re well enough for being to suspect your illness. The gamble of trusting people with your secrets, your life, your medical side; for them to come through when they need to. It is always a gamble. Relationship or friendship. It even tests family members. And it bring up that debate of finding someone who is like you or someone who isn’t. I can’t say I get behind this ‘debate’. A person is a person. They are as strong as they are, regardless. You’ve just gotta have a little faith.