I usually don’t get into this whole ‘giving something up for Lent’ thing.
I’ve never been particularly religious or felt the need to give something up to prove something either. But I can see the logic behind it; trying to do something new for 40 days and see if it sticks. And this year, I think I might just be in need of this.
Of course, things for me have been great lately and I don’t apologise for that. I fought hard to get to where I am today. I had to get ready for surgery #1, recover from that, then fail recovering; then we went through hell again, all of which resulted in how I sit here today; an ostomy and no colon. I did not expect this last part, nor did anyone else until it had to happen. Yes, even my surgeon and IBD team. Despite that, I’ve fought every single day. Every. Single. Day.
I still live with a chronic illness. Yes, I’m not on medication for it and I am stable, but that is for the time being. Lets hope it lasts but if it doesn’t, I fight again. I’ve always had a fight with my illness, always. And knowing that my primary goal has been to do battle with Crohn’s Disease, I’ve felt like I’ve had to apologise for that. For being sick, for not being where I ‘should’ be at 28, or in any of the years since diagnosis. I’ve had to feel guilty about not being ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ because being sick didn’t fit into other peoples expectations of me.
Trust me, I do not want to be sick. I do not want this illness but I can not rid myself of it, I can only manage it and adapt to it.
So, I am giving up feeling guilty.
I refuse to feel as if the life I am currently living, the years I’ve already lived with and the years I will go on to live with Crohn’s Disease, isn’t worthy. I know I am worthy, I know my life has substance and it has fulfilment. But I am sick of others trying to make my choices – and some of them haven’t been my choices! – aren’t significant. They are to me.
I am going to try and stop feeling so affected by their opinions and judgement.
It won’t be easy, I know that. It won’t be without hurt and probably some loneliness. But not everything is wonderful and amazing, all of the time. There are seasons in life, and 2016 was my Winter. I finally feel as if my Spring has finally come and in order to be present for that, the negativity I once was so accustom to has no place here. Positivity breeds positivity.