The heat is on, so to speak.
It is a week until I move.
One week, a whole seven days and packing is hitting me like a brick. When did I accumulate so much stuff? It is giving me all the anxiety and stress I was hoping to avoid by being proactive these last couple weeks. But delays in finding a place to rent meant I had one week less to get sorted. Admittedly, it has been going well and I have every confidence that next weekend will go smoothly.
But, let’s talk about what’s actually happening.
For the first time since I came home from university in 2010, I am leaving my family home. It wasn’t the house I grew up in as a kid, but it has become home to me now. My parents are here, I have worked in this city, learnt to drive here, met my partner here; it holds a lot of memories. I am comfortable here.
It is also the first time I am going to live alone.
So, despite the fact I got myself a great job in a wonderful company, I am anxious about moving.
I am excited, don’t get me wrong – the exploring I will be able to do, the new things I will learn, the places I’m discover, the close proximity to the Capital, just living by myself – that all fills me with excitement. But pushing aside my feelings of being alone and being lonely is hard to do.
It is a big step for me. I would never have done this sort of thing – apply for, interview and get a job that is almost 100 miles away; meaning I had to relocate – this time last year. Or indeed any time since my diagnosis. It has been having my ostomy that makes me confident. It is that which gives me the drive and ambition to move forward; onward and upward to what I want. It is that which also makes me nervous.
A lot of what ifs – what if I haven’t got a doctor here? What if I flare up? How is my ostomy going to ‘react’ to me going to work? How am I going to cope with a regular job? How is my routine going to change? How well will I be? Will this last? Do I need to transfer my care now, before any possible problems?
I know that most of this is just circumstantial and hypothetical, but it does prey on my mind. I hope like anyone else in my situation. I’m not asking for or seeking answers, I am just getting these thoughts, these feelings outside of my head and onto paper. Seeing them there, in black and white, makes me realise just how much of anxiety is taking away from me. I want to fight against that and do what I need to feel comfortable.
This is an exciting adventure I know that I am ready for. Preparing for it, it’s taken all of my recovery to get used to my new body and now I get to ‘test’ it out in what I consider a normal environment – being independent, working and enjoying life.
So, that is what I am going to do.
Enjoy it; the good, the bad and the ugly.