I’ve been pretty quiet here of late.
Most of that is due to moving and all the emotions that brings up…
Some of it is purely down to lack of anything interesting to write or share with you.
But it has been troubling me; not having this creative outlet when things get tough.
You see, this week, whilst it’s been #mentalhealthawarenessday I’ve been struggling more than usual. Alot of change has happened in the last couple weeks and I’m trying my damn best to cope with it all but I’m feeling exhausted. Exhausted from the constant upheaval, from the confusion and through all these things I now need to do or become. I am feeling overwhelmed and I thought I could handle it alone but I can’t.
I’ve found myself wanting to hide. But its hard to do when you now live with someone and it’s all you’ve ever wanted for a long time; but all you now want is some ‘me’ space. And whilst I love our house that we are making our home, I find myself quietly longing for my little room where I could be myself and no-one would judge me.
My partner, he doesn’t judge me, but the look I got when he was leaving for work this morning and I was still in bed, struggling with words as I’d been coping with a lingering partial blockage; it cut me deep. My health is currently good for the most part but it does come and kick me down every so often. And whilst I’ve gotten some-what used to that and it’s associated guilt, I hadn’t realise what it looked like when it was happening and someone who loves me, sees it happening too.
I guess moving in together, had brought up alot of the things I thought were only subjective when I was living at home with my family. But I guess, he also sees that too. Maybe it’s scary for him, but he would never say it. I guess it scares me abit too, having spent the last eighteen months living alone and away from family. I’d blissfully forgotten how others cope with my condition.
Right now, I have more questions than answers:
How do all the chronically ill peeps do it, living with a partner?
How do you feel less guilty when you have a house to run?
Does any of this get any better?
Can I do it all? If so, how?
How do I stop or lower my feelings of ‘whelm’?
Whilst what had originally worried me about living with my partner has faded, I hope that nothing new comes up and makes us suffer. It’s still early days and I know it’s going to be tough at times, but I have faith.