It is funny that my remission has landed on Invisible Illness Week.
I spent the shortest amount of time, to date, in my GI’s office this Tuesday gone, to go over my latest blood work. It all came back clean and given the time elapsed I was officially in remission. There was to be no tests, no scans, no scopes, no changes in my medication until there was trouble or a problem reared its ugly head. I was given a four month return time scale and sent off on my merry little way.
Unfortunately, I was filled with the joy that I had once dreamt of on receiving this news. I was surprised to feel unhappy and nervous about this anticipated milestone. It had been a year and a few days since my diagnosis, so it was good going to be so healthy and problem free so soon. I had to admit, I was worried about starting this new chapter – both after the one year marker and being ‘in remission’.
The doctors had mentioned this term with gusto at my previous clinic appointment and to me it sounded highly optimistic. How could someone with a chronic illness ever make it to remission? Surely, something would go wrong before I reached that point, regardless of the time frame they had it mind. I was so sure over the summer that pushing my body too far – by committing to too much work or extra volunteer work – was going to eventually bite me in the ass. It hasn’t and probably wont; my tolerance for being busy has gone back up to my pre-Crohnie days.
So, why share these feelings of weirdness, I hear you ask?
Because I fear the decent into flare up a-coming. I fear that once I do get back into a bad way that depression will hit me once more and I’ll be unable to remember those good old days of possibility and achievement. Because I’m not sure that what I feel is uncommon.
I think in these last couple days Ive been able to contemplate what been given ‘remission’ means. I feel proud that I’ve achieved this, I sure as hell had my doubts about it. I did all the hard work of getting back onto my Humira injections and committing to working again. I feels surely odd that only 8 months ago I had just started back at my job. It feels greatly satisfying that I have someone in my life who loves me for who I am, now more so than ever. I feel grateful for the friends and family I have, all of those obstacles I’ve faced and gotten through. I even thank my bad days for being there, alongside the good ones. I am proud of me, every damn day, for being able to get up and get on with things. I sure know about and remember the days when I couldn’t.
The bad times that have gone keep me going through the bad days that are here and those that are coming. I use what has happened to motivate myself into believing that I can do and I will succeed.
To the new chapter in my Crohnie life – remission. What will it bring? How will it affect my life? Will anything worsen or get better?