“Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora’s Box of all the secret hateful parts — your arrogance, your spite, your condescension — has sprung open. Someone provokes you, and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. Hello, it’s Mr. Nasty. I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about.”
You know, Joe Fox, I do.
Most days I’ve not got a bad word to say about anyone. I’m pretty content with just being myself and not letting things get me down. Alot worse things could happen, I could be alot worse off. I am trying to learn to enjoy the good times because the bad times sure do creep around again.
But. It does take alot some times to keep my gob shut about certain things. I have to summon great strength and energy into not saying words. Words that change things, that destroy friendships and relationships and cause strain. And it is eating me up inside.
I feel like I am going to burst with hate today.
And there is that phrase: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it”.. well, that can be true as much as you want it to be, but I am giving myself a shit time of it this week. Because there is so much I want to say, but don’t want to, at the same time. There are many many things I want to tell you about; silly little things, the big scary things, what I wonder about, why I think things, what’s happened during my day, I ultimately want to share with you. And for no purpose anymore. What would be my reasoning? To unload? To share? To be your friend? I am reminded of it being ‘a two way street’ – its about give and take. It shouldn’t be this difficult! I shouldn’t be in this much agony!
So. Here is what I wish I could say to you right now:
“All I want you to do is say 5 very simple little words to me: “Hey Lou, how are you?” It is very easy. In fact, its practically common courtesy. It’s what people ask of each other. We enquire into each others lives. Why can’t you do that for me? You know me better than others do, you and I are not just strangers or simple people who are polite to each other. It is more than that. We know our problems, why can’t you ask about mine? Can’t you see the torture on my face when we speak? That I can not believe I am not talking about it? Can you not see it is hurting me for you to not ask about me? Do you not care? I hope not. Because I really don’t want to believe that you would be that mean and that selfish not to. Why is it so difficult for you to talk to me? Do I scare you? Is it too much to handle? Say something! I can not read minds! I know I’m good, but I’m not that good. Just use your words like a big boy and talk to me. “
I’ve never had a problem talking. Even about the Crohn’s, I am open and honest about it. I know I struggle, you guys read it through my posts, with saying the right thing, the right level of ‘thing’, words to avoid, situations to adapt to.. everything. I’ve never once said I wouldn’t talk about my condition. I don’t want to hide it. Some would say that my blog says more about myself that I ever could, so why even enquire, if it is all written down in posts, a daily note? My response? I selfishly write some days as a ‘cry for help’, a pleading note to certain individuals who read. Because I want to give them a starter. A way in, so to speak, as to how to talk to me. I’m providing you with the tools, please use them.