There is something to be said about protecting yourself, most importantly, your heart.
With or without my medical history, this would be true. Spying on me, check up on me when you’re away and a lack of trust and understanding has irrevocably changed the dynamic of this relationship from a good one to an unhealthy one. It had to end.
In all honesty, I knew it couldn’t work long term. Too much was said too quickly and far too much time spend at opposite ends of the country. The things keeping us together really were just myths.
So here I am, single again. I prefer this. Right now, I am upset and angry and lonely, but I know it is for the best. I will know better for next time right? And who knows who’ll come around next. And who know what’ll happen now. And now that everything’s Crohns related is in a steady phase of ‘normality’ I am not going to let this rule my life. Nor will it be all I am. Or all I say. Its a ‘back burner’ issue, some what. Yes, some days it defines me but I try my hardest to limit those days. I am in control of my pain for the most part, I know when to slow down and when to get everything done. I know that I can go from happy to sad in an instant. Learning when to say something, or indeed what to say, is hard.
But if it just me in this, I have ALL the control. Not that I don’t want anyone to be in my life. Nor that I love being single. Or that I enjoy everything about being on my own. I do want to be able to let someone in and share “everything” with them, but I know this is a very far off, distant – possibly impossible – issue. For now, I just want to be ‘normal’. And if that means doing myself a disservice and limiting the truth to bare essentials, then I will.
Is this unhealthy? Not letting someone see me for who I am? Or is it just easier to ease someone new into who I really am? Yes, Crohns is a big problem – SOME TIMES – but it is not my defining characteristic. Or at least, I hope it is not. You don’t reveal everything – good AND bad – in one fall swoop.