I get called ‘amazing’ alot by the boy. Am I? Is that only because I’ve “been through so much”? Or is this beyond just being brave? Is it just me? Am I the only one who can’t see my bravery because it was all happening to me? If only everyone knew how badly I wish right now to be back in that hospital, away from the world. At least there I knew the pain could be treated. Out here I’m not sure how to fix myself.

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Happiness

There is always some sort of expectation to be happy. Especially seen as I am “alive” and “healthy”. This usually comes from people without a care in the world. Those people who think my life is exactly the same as before I got sick. Well, sadly, it is not. And its not always a happy day for me. Why is there so much emphasis on being ‘happy’? All of the time? Sure, I can sort of see why being happy and positive is such a life assuring thing, but for me, good days are few and far between. To be…

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Trust

This week has made me contemplate what exactly ‘trust’ is. Simply put it is a “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Mostly, I’ve been considering who I choose to trust with important information. With my medical condition. My personal life. My past, my secrets, my dreams. All of those things are blurred most of the time, making trusting someone with one or all of these things complicated. Potential dangerous. Exposing my vulnerability. I trust my family. Its a sort of given. They know everything, medically, about my condition. Sometimes they don’t completely get…

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Vitals

Photos of myself can only say so much.. so this is me, explaining, well, myself. At the beginning of all this, I was just a slightly chubby girl, happy with work, family and friends. Everything was good until I got food poisoning from a dodgy meal out with a friend last August. Everything changed after that. If I really think about it; and now that I know more about Crohns, my symptoms were apparent months before. Mouth ulcers. Mild diarrhea. Abdominal cramps. Joint pain. But nothing conclusive, nor extreme enough to make seek medical attention. So when I presented with…

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“Oh, the fickle nature of my life..”

Today was meant to be – it was – a great day. I finally had my MRI scan at Heartlands this morning. After 5 more weeks of waiting, I’m done with this run of tests for my Crohn’s. I never want it done again, I despise Klean Prep with all my being. In all honest, it was a pleasantly weird experience; not as much fun as the CT scan (alot more uncomfortable, but that was mostly down to the breathing in and holding my breath I had to do) but interesting. A closed scanner, alot like a tunnel is not…

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