Sat in my bed, silently crying. I want to stop – need to stop – because in a few moments someone will come up the stairs and say goodnight to me and I can’t have been crying. Because I am strong and nothing is wrong. Who am I kidding? Right now, I don’t feel strong. I feel pathetic and weak. Because I just wished that I was normal again. That I could have my past life back. I want my drinking days back. My flirting days. The days when I would work hard and then go out and party just…

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Strength

My body never failed me until August. I wasn’t really ready for it. I guess you never really are until it happens. It forces you to focus. Makes you slightly more paranoid about how well you do things. I lost my ability to walk very far. To even do anything without becoming breathless. I wasn’t used to it. I still suffered with it when I was last discharged. In fact, my last spell at Good Hope rendered me physically drained. It was painful, everything was painful to do. But I had to do it, to work my muscles and get…

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Scans

Its been a while since I had a scan – of any type – done for my Crohns. My last ‘attempt’ was my failed MRI in early December, and before that it was a very rushed second ultrasound during my last hospital stay. In all honesty, I don’t mind the scans. Or the tests. Just knowing more about my condition and ‘jumping through the hoops’ so to speak to get to a conclusion is very satisfying. I don’t tend to worry about the results – deal with them when they come. I don’t dread seeing my consultant at clinic appointments.…

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The emotional battle of everything in my life is only just beginning..

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Time

I’ve spend a lot of time in the past couple months in and out of hospital for various things related to my newly diagnosed Crohn’s disease; leading to many hours of just sitting in a bed waiting around. I’m not a person to dwell on the cards dealt, so to speak; I tend to distract myself quite easily from all the medication, scans and general bad feelings surrounding Crohn’s; but I do think A LOT about everything else. And ‘everything else’ seems and sounds – out loud – so very trivial compared. Things like: how am I going to get…

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