I know that I am far to ‘young’ and inexperienced to get on my soapbox, my high horse and preach about the things that annoy me about Crohn’s and how it is dealt with, by both doctors and every day, other people. So my soapbox is my internal soapbox, a small rant towards me, if you will. I’m hoping that being able to tell myself something… and maybe do some good, some way down the line.
I am a do-er. I always have been and always will be. I am also very impatient. This did not help me whilst I was sick last winter; because I was either too eager to get discharged – which led to a very nasty two weeks at home getting horrible sick and weak – or I was impatiently waiting to get better.
These days, I’ve learnt that when it comes to my Crohn’s, I can not be impatient. It takes along time to recovery from everything that happened to me back in 2011. And, when that has been dealt with and was slowly starting to fade, my Crohn’s came back and bit me on the ass. And its this give and take, this back and forwards that confuses and frustrates me the most. I hide most of it, because it is mundane and trivial compared to the bigger issues in other peoples lives (here, I mention my two pregnant friends, my fathers gallbladder surgery, my grandmothers back surgery and my nan’s general bad health) and I accept that. I am not egotistical person, and I would never like to hog the limelight. In fact, all the time I was sick, I was humorous and witty because the focus was on me. Being better, these days, means I go unnoticed. GOOD. Sometimes.
Being impatient could be the worst thing I want to be. I want to remain in remission for as long as possible, and wishing away the days where I am happy and healthy is beyond stupid. I wish I could stop it. I wish I could stop thinking about the times I was sick and how I must look out for those signs and symptoms, again, soon. But I don’t need to. In my selfishness, I must. Because if I don’t, no one else will. I don’t want to wake up one day and be 7st again, unable to eat and crapping like the day is long. I can’t go back to that, or indeed return to that, because where do I go from there? The fear of the unknown has replaced my impatience with my Crohnie life. Is this a bad thing? I mostly agree that it must be. But it has a slight note of being necessary.
Necessary, in the way that it makes me realise what I want from my life. I let Crohn’s define my work life this year, I won’t let that happen next year. It defined my attitude and my emotions far too much. It just needs to be something that I have inside of me, something ‘secret’ that makes me different. Maybe. It keeps me fighting, for both big and small, stupid and important things in my life. It governors my fear of the future and I need to plan – the do-er part of me coming back into play – without really making it all consuming. Little and often, re evaluating what is next, what I need to do to be comfortable.
Right now? That means insuring my Crohnie butt stays happy. Then it means moving out. And it is horrible ironic that that latter issue causes me more concern and anxiety than my Crohn’s.