NHBPM – Pause

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Every time I think about this quote I’m either full of anger or just finding some closure. Either way, I find myself switch between those two emotions so much whilst reading it, I flash back to moments where that was true and how much I hurt lying about myself. Yet, I find comfort in being secretive and being private about my Crohns, at times.

At times. Isn’t that the truth.

When it suits me, I lie. Becuase it is much easier that being truthful and honest about the things happening to me. It is easier to tell my boss or my collegues that the smile I plaster on my face whilst at work is there because I know they don’t want to know more. They don’t want to know about whats been going to me before I got there and they don’t want to know what I’ll go home to be like either. My primary job at work is to serve. And serve, I do. Very well in fact. But I hide behind that. I think everyone hides behind a mask at least one a day.. make it big or small, we all tell little fibs and we’re all never really truthful. As they say, the truth is sometimes hard to swallow.

Anyway, I enjoy my mask. Work provides to be a very good distraction at the best and worst of times. Sometimes it flies by and at others its takes forever to get to the end of a shift, but after that is all done with, I enjoy the privacy I give myself with my mask on. You could say I wear it 85% of the time during a given day, but I never used to wear it at all. I used to be very honest and truthful about my condition and how it affected me, but not many appreciated my candied approach to my newly discovered disease. Whilst getting healthier and leaving those sick days behind me, I found that people weren’t really interested in me, they only wanted to know if I was fit for more work.

So, I do lie nowadays to keep people from wondering about how I actually am. And I’m becoming more and more used to and accepting of that fact. It no longer feels like the lump in my throat nor the itch I wish to scratch. It some times suprises me how well I can act normal and well and happy, when really, I’m not.

Having said that, I’ve get to be less than unwell in myself. I guess we’ll cross that when we get to it, and that’ll be when I’m off sick for a while, yet again..

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