I stood behind the counter today at work and really considered how much I disliked being there. It was miserable, wet and windy. Typically British but the same weather that the last week has brought us. Yesterday was even worse; working was painful and hard and just draining. Why did I put my body through it? Because I knew how much I missed working whilst I was off sick.
That was my life for 5 months. In and out of hospital, many hospital appointments and tests; there was also that long period of time when my body was too weak to get back into the world but I was still off sick, officially. Those days when I was cooped up in the house, wondering when I would get cleared and I could finally go back to work. I ached for something to do. I was no longer in pain, I wanted to go out and explore! My body stopped me. I was still very thin and painfully aware that I was fatigued from just walking up the two flights of stairs to my room. My new relationship was draining too (lesson learnt, all to quickly) and I was still so unsure how to live with Crohn’s.
I contemplated it alot whilst in hospital. But nothing like those days when I was alone at home. Or even when I started back at work. I was cautious to start living. These days, I am cautious to stop living. I try everything I can because I know there will be a time – once again – when I can no longer do them. Or that I will regret wasting my precious time, right here and now, because the flare ups can come no where, for no reason.