Day Seventeen – Strengths and Weaknesses

nhbpm-2012A List of my Strengths and Weaknesses

– Openness. It was a long time ago that something changed inside of me and I decided to be honest about my Crohn’s. I realised it was too short of a life to be shy and hide behind something so ugly as Crohn’s Disease, and I spoke up. I started talking. I haven’t stopped. And I’ve been recognised for this blog, my ability to smile through tough times and I’m setting up a CCUK local group. Take that inflamed colon, you beast of an annoying invisible illness.

Being able to write. I love writing. It is soothing and relaxing to vent and share and advise others about what I would consider small and insignificant parts of my Crohnie life. I am lucky to be able to feel this free from letting my thoughts out my head into the void of the Internet.

Acceptance. It took me a long while to get to a good place where I had accepted what Crohn’s had done to me; who I have had to become to be good with my health. I wanted to rush it, get it over and done with, and for a while I was very enthusiastic about being “fine” and “just peachy” but it did not last. Going to counselling cleared my mind and really started my journey to acceptance. Not a sign of weakness, but necessary for me.

Fear. I am fearful of the future. I might have accepted the present predicament that Crohn’s has given me, but the future is unsure and unpredictable and that is scary as fuck. Surgery. Fistulas. Post op. Pain management. Square one. They all lead me to becoming a new person. Something more complicated and rid of some bowel. Its odd to think that it will happen at some point.. and some days, that’s just too much.

Over thinking. Linked into fear, I constantly over think things. I go beyond that simple and enter into what could happen, being ridiculous and causing myself so much stress. This unpredictable nature of Crohn’s is the worst part. It never goes away, always grows and takes over. Being in control is hard. Its almost unachievable.

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