October 2017

Well, October was unexpectedly manic, health wise.

I always go into a new month hoping for the best. Hope that this is the month that things get settled down and I start to feel better, day on day. And for the most part, that has been the case with my IBD and my ostomy. The taking of the steroids and having the Vedolizumab back in my life has helped a great deal to calm the internal storm that was raging in my bowels. Gone was the pain, gone was the cramping and the discomfort and the utter disbelief that this was happening and was taking forever to be fixed or managed.

But October was far from easy.

I returned to work. This was my first step at normal and whilst we started off slowly and I felt overwhelmed by being back; being back made me very happy. Finally some normality was coming back to my life and I felt good. I started to feel good too. But then I had my implant removed and along came a cold and then a small but chuffing painful blockage. I coped; I got on with take cold meds and my steroids. I hoped that it would fade by the time I was due for Vedolizumab and it did! But, what came along after was much worse. An abscess. I have had them before but never where this one sprung up: on my face. On the side of my nose, very close to my eye. I woke up one morning unable to open my eye, it was swollen and angry. One doctors appointment later, antibiotics. Those antibiotics would change three times and last three weeks. The abscess cancelled my Vedo infusion and was moved back ten days. My abscess needed draining not once but twice in five days. It slowly went down with the antibiotics and I finally received my Vedolizumab. Since then, it’s faded nicely, and I feel more human. I don’t feel like anyone is staring at my face anymore!

That abscess brought out alot of things. It made me realise how fragile my mental health is and how I need to get some help. I need help with learning to cope with this. And by this, I mean my illness, how I process it, how I choose to express it and how I accept it. Yes, even six years in, I’m still accepting the changing face of my IBD. I know my stoma saved my life but it also changed it, and sometimes I hate that. I hate all of it, and I need some help with dealing with that. I’ve tried alone but now I need someone. Someone outside of my life to set me on a path towards feeling better, feeling good, feeling like me again. Or even, finding me. Whatever it is, a new emotional path is needed.

I go into November with the eternal hope of this one will be better than last. I hope for good days and I hope for positive outcomes. I hope for some clarity too. Instead of feeling like I’m emotional treading mud, alone.

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