Well, February was quite a tough one.
As previously mentioned, I suffered an anxiety attack at the end of January which meant I was signed off from work for a while. A while turned out to be three weeks and now, at the end of the month; I have only just gotten back into the pattern of working again with a phased return.
What I have been doing with my ‘time off’ is making space for me. I’ve been practicing a lot of self-care so that I look after myself as well as reaching out and communicating with those around me about my worries and concerns. Most of them are small and nothing major but when they pray on my mind, they get amplified. I’m trying my best to limit those sort of thoughts but taking one day at a time, at face value too: achieving what I can achieve in one day and not being too frustrated or annoying when things aren’t all ticked off. When this does happen. I celebrate my achievements; that has been a huge positive step forward, as well as seeing the good in every day. It sounds cheesy and overused but it is helping me tremendously.
If only I wasn’t so damn tired of late! (thank you, fatigue!)
I also had my scoped done; both very painful and a source of great pain and embarrassment, as well as some justifiable anger. But the outcome has been some new medication and to keep an eye on things are they progress or lessen. I am grateful that I have such a sound team looking after my care; it really does make that part of things with IBD a bit easier.
I’ve found time to get out there and get involved in IBD awareness and support again. It’s nice seeing it from a different perspective and different location too; I hope it gives me the connection and support I so desperately need.
I’ve decided to stop my CBT for the foreseeable future. I’m not sure why but it hasn’t had the effect I had expected and I found it confusion and conflicting. I’ve taken much more wisdom from those already living with anxiety and depression with methods in which to cope with things and how to work through my triggers and symptoms than my counsellor has been able to provide.
I’ve walked more, I’ve baked and taken comfort in cooking as well as reading and doing more writing. Having some blog projects set up for the rest of the year is giving me some motivation to write outside of my job on the weekends, but most importantly, to enjoy myself and my life, despite its ups and downs. Getting bogged down in what was going wrong was really affecting me – probably triggering off my attack – and being positive on a bigger scale is definitely helping my fears.
Learning to not be so hard on myself and to lower my expectations has been tough; and whilst its a slow road it feels like it will be worth it.
And that’s what I take into March – working on being okay with myself.