This weekend I was in London; I had an amazing time, look!
But boy did I suffer. It was a very long day; with an super early start and a late finish. I would do it all over again, even with the soreness I felt the day after.
My point here?
Well, its a nudge, a reminder, a mini wake up call. I am not like everyone else, I still have an illness that tires me out when I try my best to be ‘normal’ and push myself to act like I am. In the mist of being away in the City, I didn’t even consider how tired I would be coming home. Nor would I not do it again, without hesitation. I want to feel normal, even if I don’t quite bounce back like everyone else does.
It’s a reminder that despite being ‘in remission’, I still struggle, daily. And in a weird way, I miss being taken care of.
These days, I find myself pushing myself to do more things, to have a normal, daily life. I get up early, get into my routine, go out and try my best to just find a new normal. Try and get used to this stoma and how it is to live with one. It’s such a stark difference to the days when I would be bed or house bound because I was simply exhausted from walking down the stairs or even making a cup of tea. Those days are six months plus behind me. I am happy they are behind me, getting further away with each day that passes. But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about them.
Especially when I need help, but am too ‘shy’ to say so.
On Sunday I should have spoken up and asked for help. I should have let Ben do more for me, instead of continuing to push myself, which resulted in me getting angry with myself and his seemingly oblivious nature to how I was feeling. It’s stupid really, how can he know how I feel if I don’t say anything? He isn’t magic, he can’t read my mind. I forget this, I sometimes think because its so overwhelming for me, it is overwhelming for him too, but of course it’s not. It can’t be, it is me it is ‘overwhelming’ for.
We have to readjust. And that is a big mental battle; to now adjust our relationship again. Does this happen to everyone? Do little shifts in relationships happen so quietly that they don’t notice or is it just not talked about? His wonderful attitude about my health has always inspired me to fight harder and for longer, he has stood strong when I was weak and he can make me smile or laugh just when I need it. I love him for that but all the challenges we’ve faced with my health, have shifted our relationship, constantly. These have definitely made us stronger.
Still, it feels odd for me to admit that I miss some aspects of being sick. But in most ways, I am glad I am not sick anymore. I think, being sick was so consuming, it was evident a lot of the time when I needed help. But now, the evidence is happiness. You can see that on my face; I am happy I am an ostomate and medication free, not shackled to the hospital. I am happy that I get to look after myself but I just wish sometimes I didn’t have to.
Is that selfish?