My body never failed me until August. I wasn’t really ready for it.
I guess you never really are until it happens. It forces you to focus. Makes you slightly more paranoid about how well you do things. I lost my ability to walk very far. To even do anything without becoming breathless. I wasn’t used to it. I still suffered with it when I was last discharged. In fact, my last spell at Good Hope rendered me physically drained. It was painful, everything was painful to do. But I had to do it, to work my muscles and get better. My bones ached. My joints were inflamed. I was using them – they were bound to hurt. Struggled through the pain. Push through.
And I did it.
I just want to be strong again. Be myself. Get back to doing something with my days. ‘Ignore’ the disease and continue on with my life. Some sort of normality. Despite the changes I’ve made, I want my life back. So desperately.
Part of that is emotional too. Time is meant to be a great healer but all I do is feel empty. I want something. I was someone. I want him. Back, to where we left off – before I got sick, before I ignored everyone, before I knew everything I know now.
And if – a big ‘if’ – I can’t have that again, I want my strength of belief back. I used to be so cool about dating and relationships. Now, after all my trials and tribulations I have no clue where to even begin. Crohns is such a big part of my life, I would have to ‘explain’ it. I want to be STRONG not WEAK in any one else’s eyes. I don’t want pity. I don’t need it. Would be frustrated and upset by it. Just treat me like before.. Or just like I am ‘normal’.
I even feel guilty for flirting.
What is my life becoming? Guilty? Really? I never felt this way about it before. I have nothing to apologise for. I have been very accepting of my disease. It is part of me. A new part. Do I just need more time to settle into it before continuing? It is even something I should be contemplating.. thinking about?
It was a light switch, it just turned on one day after having my injection. Confusing at first, didn’t expect to have thoughts like that for many many months. Ugh.