I am feeling utterly miserable today.
I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I don’t feel happy at all.
Maybe it’s the 4am wake up call my subconscious gave me this morning, the belly pain that started up soon after my eyes adjusted to the sun coming up, or even the denial of why I was awake at that time.
It could be the lack of activities I have to do at work today. Or the feeling of this week dragging out and knowing the weekend will fly by, once again.
But I just know I’m not a happy Louise today.
I feel teary. Angry. Confused. Hopeless. The lack of things to do is letting me dwell on things.
This job contract ended next week. I’m glad and sad that it might be over. I’m comfortable here but I need more to do, to be kept busy; both physically and mentally. But I’m daunted by starting over at a new company again. Of travelling alone in my car; because today I feel a nervous wreck in it, and want to give up, to give in to my flappy “behind the wheel” emotions. Of being the new person again and making new friends with new colleagues. I definitely find it harder when I’ve not got someone to talk to at work. I know that takes time, but it always makes me feel sad that it’s not happening. It makes me feel different when I’m ignored or not made to feel involved. I already feel different, I don’t need to add to that pile.
My boyfriend also moves to a new town next weekend. Admittedly not that far but its still a new change. It’s something he is doing alone and I feel left behind. That’s my own psychological shit – that I’m prefer to be with someone and achieve together but I’m scared of doing things alone, by myself; something I used to revel in – and I’m very happy he is moving out and finally getting to live by himself, at the ripe age of 30. I’ve done that already, what with three years in Norwich at UEA and one year on exchange in Canada. He needs to do this. But I just wish I could do it too.
Which brings me on to my self worth. What exactly am I doing?
That is a big enough question make me feel low. I don’t even know; I’m temping at the moment, still living at home, battling my body to not reject my current treatment plan so maybe I can start to live my life, with IBD being just a background thought. It is so fucking prominent lately, not because it is bothering me with pain or that many symptoms, but it is just always on my mind. I come to work to forget about my problems, to prove to myself and those who have hired me that I am good, despite my stupid disease. That I am more than that. If I could only just switch my overly emotional mind off for a while to remember that and crack on.
Let’s hope this miserable period ends soon. Preferably tonight. Maybe it’s these bloody Evra patches. Maybe its time to actually take a break from them for a while (like I bloody should!) and take some time to not be so fucking hard on myself. Easier said than done, yes?