Did you know it’s the middle of July already?
We are creeping closer to the Autumn – something which I love – and closer to my Crohniversary – something I’m equally looking forward to. But I am sat here, on a half week off, reminding myself that this time last year, things started to turn down into the worst period of my life: GUTS AND PAIN.
I hardly ever use medication to control pain, I just sort of ride through it. Migraine, headache, gut ache, period pain; nothing. Maybe this is why I am catious person and have never broken anything, never spent time in hospital until the Crohn’s attacked. I think back to last summer, about my wild and bad days – of the break up I was reacting to in the worst way by drinking all weekend and smoking like a chimmey – and how I ignored things because I was just used to the pain, used to the continuous feeling of being low and rundown. I blamed my antics, my work schedule, my lack of sleep and my diet. No. It was Crohns beginning its decent into my life.
I am full of regret and disappointment. I should have known better, should have been better, more alert, more involved in my health.
Time is slipping away. Today, I am not sick and I am not alone. Things are good and I am constantly finidng myself finding a reason as to why this is, what is its purpose.
Humira is a big reason as to why I am how I am right now. It took me from my darkest days into something new. It removed all of that pain, removed all the neasua and the crohnic tiredness and replaced it with energy and a love of food again. Everything else that followed it, took its rightful place behind my new and sparkly medication. It all was because of that; because of how great I felt and was whilst finding how Crohns would fit with me.
Once stable, what could I blame my life upon, where did events get their purpose from? How did work become so euporic then change to become nothing to me? How did I meet someone and only want him as my friend? Why did I pick the wild card over the safer option? Why did I want to prove myself to someone who knew nothing about me? Why did I ignore everything that was best for me, until it was almost too late? How did I become so anger and frustrated with people who used to be great in my life? Did I change so much whilst being away? Why did I need to be away? CROHNS.
It is the ruler of my life, what fills my sky and what drives me forward.. or indeed, sidewards, up or down.
It is getting away from me and I am becoming muntane and caught up in daily life once more, like I was only 13 months ago. Why is everything going back to before, when it can not, will not, be the same? I am only going to be disappointed.. It is something that I can not ignore, something that lives inside of me now, present and accountable. I am responsbile for myself more than ever.
Everything else, everyone else… they all seem so seperate from me. Different. Normal. Healthy. These labels, I find myself using far too much, are seperating me from them, when all I want is some comparatable measure of myself against another. They are only labels! It is silly and junvenile, but some times I need the seperation. I need the alone time to be with just myself and my Crohns. Its like another person I share my bed with. Even when quite and unnoticable, Bernie is there, present and correct. She lives inside of me and won’t ever leave, even when she is cut out.
So, its July and everything has changed, but stayed the same…