I feel very apprehensive writing this post. Mostly because I am little scared about admitting and working through my thoughts on my counselling sessions. I can openly talk about my Crohn’s and its effects on my life, but everything else? That might be too much, right?
I had my introduction session with my therapist, Wendy, today. She asked me a whole bunch of questions, most of which I nervously tugged at my tights when answering them. I didn’t want to be nervous, but there I was, sitting in a doctors office, talking to yet another stranger about my life. About everything. I just started talking. And eventually crying. I was trying my best to pull it back inside of me, but I couldn’t. She said it was okay, and that I was far too brave and strong to not feel weak at some point or another, which only made me sob abit harder.
A stranger, she practically told me I was very defensive. I might not be angry all of the time about my condition but I feel very resentful towards it. And my humour and sarcasm was my way of protecting myself, from feeling vulnerable. Nail on the head. I hadn’t even realised I was doing it, but now that I know, I see it so very clearly. Scary.
I left the last person I was vulnerable with. That was many years ago, and no one has come close since. I am afraid of getting hurt, of letting someone see all of me. Not just the physical part of me, but my mental and emotional side. Of being completely naked. It would explain so much about my life and my current state of mind. It would explain my frustration over sharing and my desire to always be ‘fine’.
She repeated words to me that a close friend said to me, not a week ago: ‘I am amazed how strong you are and how brave you have had to be’. Why can I accept her words as positive reinforcement but not his? Because she is a professional and he is just my friend? Why is it so hard to admit that things have been difficult? Because I’ve been the one dealing with it from the inside, and its completely different looking in?
My next session is in two weeks, on my 24th birthday. What a treat I shall be giving myself huh? 🙂