Counselling last week gave me alot to digest.
It may have been the sunny weather or the time I’d been given off work, but I went into session in a very good mood. It showed.
We spoke about acceptance. It’s become quite a theme or topic of conversation and my therapist always guides me back to it. I spoke of my freedom off work during the weekend and she asked me about when I started back at work, what it was like.
It was a week after my final scan – the lovely MRI bowel scan – and my latest clinic appointment with my consultant. I began on low hours, working gradually to build my body back to full strength. It didn’t take long. I was still battling my insomnia and my steroid withdrawal and a pretty new relationship and a whole new bunch of friendships. I was busy at work and outside of it. I was tired, alot of the time, and didn’t noticed how much I was denying my Crohn’s. How unwilling I was of accepting my fate and my future.
It’s only now, that I’ve begun tearing down the wall I built around myself. I have had a wall ever since I got back from Canada and I ended my last serious relationship, and its grown higher and higher with the bad things that have gone wrong in my life. Crohn’s was the icing on the cake. I had my barriers up and I only ever let them down because I was sick and needed help. Being back at work, finally after all those months off, was like a realisation that I ‘didn’t need help’ – I was lying to myself, all along – but I failed to see the signs. My wall went back up, bringing my defense mechanism and my controlling behaviour along with it.
I met someone who is sitting next to me right now, who sits here whilst I take bricks out of my wall. Whilst I struggle to accept my condition and learn to live with my Crohn’s and my depression. He sits patiently as I frustrate him and fight with him. He comes back day after day. I love him.
For him, I will always try my hardest to fight my Crohn’s, even when I desperately don’t want to. And I know a time will come when I will want to give up. And he will be there.