Belief.

I can’t quite believe that this is me, almost two years ago. Its relevance to the present?

I feel as if nothing has changed.

This was August 2010. It is now May 2012. I’m older. I’m wiser.

But I still feel like the same person. I look at that body and I see nothing different. My curves have come back from all those sick days and the time spent in Good Hope. I’m back in a relationship. I’m still at home and I’m still working. I am that person. I might have shorter hair and a ‘new attitude’ but in reality, I think everything I am right now is everything I used to be afraid to be: BRAZEN. HONEST, sometimes brutally. CRUEL at times. HARSH and STUBBORN. A FIGHTER. TOUGH.

Are those admirable qualities to become?

Back in August 2010 I was in a relationship that had a future. But I left it when it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I wanted all the control and time was the thing I couldn’t get over. I loved him so damn much, but my pride got in the way. I was stubborn as fuck.

Have I mellowed out? Have I fuck.

If anything, I am more uptight and controlling than ever before. I am completely and utterly stupid, if I am honest; I expected far too much. I want it all now, I need it so bad. But what exactly? What do I need? What do I want? Everything I say I want I run away from, the things I am scared to go after, the words I am apprehensive to say. Does Crohn’s really complicated this? I went after this, I am going for ‘this’ and I am so frustrated by who I have become.

I will calm down but this is who I have always been. Who I was when I was last in love is who I am now. I see all the same things rearing their ugly head and I wonder why I am worried about them.. should I be? Should I try to be something, someone different this time around? Who is to say who I was there isn’t who I truly am? Is this just an excuse? Is this all just bull shitty words?

Here is the thing: I have always tried to be honest. Always. I try to not say something that I don’t feel; that why I hesitate with that ‘L’ word and I use how I behave as way to conduct my actual feelings. I strive to be true. Lies hurts; I’ve been lied to, done the lying too, I won’t go there again. But when there is a constant appreciation of myself by someone, I brush it off, deflect it away and avoid having a massive ego. I don’t think I am the best, most perfect, amazing person ever. I don’t think anyone can tell me that I am. But I realise truthful words when  they are spoken. And when they don’t match up with the present, I get annoyed. That’s when my control comes back, with some hard hitting vengeance. I turn into a horrible, horrible person; someone I look at in the mirror and wish I could never be again. But I know she will be back. Harder and more stubborn than last time. I can be spitful and so ugly.

I thought Crohn’s would change my outlook on relationships. It has not. It has made my already existing emotions more prevalent and visible. I’ve found someone who wants the same thing as me, but when he professes to wanting to be with me all the time, I find excuses to make that not be true. I want Crohn’s to be a big deal. I don’t want to brush it off as nothing. I am not me without my Crohn’s. So, yes, I am changed. But I am more of everything I didn’t like before. And I can’t stop it. And I can’t make sense of it. I don’t even know where to begin and I don’t know how to make it come out without rambling…

Clarity. Please.

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