Today’s counselling session looked at ‘control’
Defined as being ‘to exercise resistant or direction over, to curb, to dominate, to command, to check or regulate’.
I regularly feel as if I am not in control of anything. That my condition lends itself to being manageable but yet very untameable. I have no real say over what my guts do, or when they decide to behave (although, I am much better at ‘taming’ them than I ever was before medication and diagnosis) nor do I have a say in whether or not my current medication works or not (or any other intervention come to think of it). I have no sense of control over it. It is all a matter of just becoming more used to things. But, once I get used to one thing – a symptom or an emotion – something else pops up and adds itself to the party; “ANOTHER THING TO DEAL WITH?! YOU WHAT? *sigh* Better get on with it then..”
Feeling this helpless when it comes to my Crohn’s leads me to want to control the rest of my life. My work. My sleeping patterns. My food. My relationship. My friendships. My family. My routine.
But those are things that can not be controlled either. It is very hard for me to give up on something; whether it be big or small, I need to feel as if I am saying ‘yes’ to it, rather than being told I am to do this; I would rather offer my help, offer my support, offer myself to something / some one / some problem than be forced into it.
Maybe it comes from the lack of control I had over my life say 6 months ago. That I was controlled by doctors and nurses and tablets and scans to live my life a certain way, and there was no going back, no bending the rules, no alternatives. It was that way or no way. That was it and I couldn’t get off of the merry go round. Yes, I still can’t get off the merry go round but at least I control the speed of which it goes around in and who gets off and on of it.
That day comes that my life changes again and I have absolutely no power over it. I am dreading it. The impending doom.
So, I control my relationship. I make the plans. I decide on whether or not I want something or not. I decide when things happen. I am very controlling, I admit that. I see things creeping back in that I used to do with Matt, and this time, I can not – and will not – run away from them. I can not turn to the drinking and smoking to settle me back down, that is no longer an option. I have to use my words like a big girl and confront my fears – my demons – face to face. I am terrified, I admit that, quite openly. I am scared of the loss of control. Of him taking the reigns and leading the way. Some times I wish he just did that anyway. That he didn’t adore me as much as he say he does, and just told me what to do. Get used to being in control -I will need a slightly bossy man – apart from my father – in my life when I get sick again. I want it to be him.