Today is the final day of my Humira cycle. And it is a good day. Its sunny! I feel rather much alright. I feel like fighting today.
There is a niggly feeling in the back of my mind. That same voice that wants me to say ‘fuck it, just do it’ wants me to just give up. It wants it to be Thursday morning today. WHY?! I feel okay! I’m not desperate for my medication like before! I can totally do my shift at work today without problem! Why does she decide now is sensible time to pipe up and speak so loudly?!
In my sanity, I know I know that I just need to get to tomorrow and everything will be fine. That 14 days is fine. That I don’t need it just yet. That I can continue on without it for another day. That I’m not pinning for it, yet. That my week has been good in comparison to other ones. That medically, I can wait. I CAN WAIT. I totally can.
Is this a pep talk?
Sometimes, it is. I sometimes need that voice in my head – the good cop and bad cop theory – to just keep a little fear in myself. Otherwise I would have injected last Thursday. And it’s not out of fear of being ill or flaring up or containing ‘the problem’ its just out of necessity. I want to keep going. I don’t want a couple days when I feel like nothing. When I feel like my day is just a waste. And I hate feeling this feeling; of deflation before I’ve even gotten to a bad day. I can pre-empt anything and everything I want, but it won’t stop Crohn’s sneaking up and kicking me in the kidneys and knocking me to the ground once in a while.
So, 24 hrs until my injection.
That’s when the fun really begins..