Today has been a rough day.
Nothing major has happened, just lots of small things that have accumulated into something.. bigger.
Had trouble taking my medication today – only my iron tablet – couldn’t swallow it and almost choked. Am home alone now until I go back to work and it was scary. My glasses are irritating my nose still, so back to my old pair. Found lots of hair in my brush today, and as pathetic as it sounds this part of my day made feel the worse, had a little weep. The physical parts of my disease have always been a problem for me. Crohns isn’t a illness you can actually see, but when my hair comes out and my elbows, collar bone, hips and wrist stick out; it becomes more noticeable. I don’t want to be noticeable. I want to be normal and I was to look like nothing is wrong with me.
Upon taking my Humira yesterday morning, I had a panicking thought – what if I can’t do this? What if I just freeze every time I put that injection pen to my leg? What if I can’t press that button and release the medication into my system? Then what? – but I overcame it. I had to. Just squeezed the trigger and got one more step into my treatment plan. I should have felt good, felt better for it, I don’t. Not physically – my symptoms have been pretty mild this first week of a new year – but emotionally.. I feel like a wreck.
Mostly I feel as if I can’t cope. And I seek reassurance that I am not alone and there is always someone there that I can talk to. I worry alot about friends. I know my family will be there no matter what I go through – like they have been since August – but it is sometimes very difficult to explain how I feel without mixing up my words and getting frustrated with myself and taking it out on them; either with sarcasm (which can come out very nasty) or with anger. I don’t mean it. But then again, I think, maybe I do. I am alone in this battle and no one knows it but me. No one knows my body but me. Alone alone alone!
When it comes to my friends, they fall into two, maybe three categories: Those I trust with my life and problems (#1). Those who will always make me laugh away everything. (#2) Those who are selfish and pre-occupied with their ‘trivial’ problems(#3). Sounds harsh, but who gives a shit right? Finding out who falls into which is a struggle. It is difficult knowing how to breach the subject. Somethings are easier to say to certain individuals. I have three people who fall into #1, almost a dozen who are #2 and a couple in #3. I am sure that a couple more will make it into #3 in the coming months (lets just see how well our ‘meetings’ go first before judgement, huh?) Some people I know just don’t want to know most things when it comes to Crohns and ‘bowel related issues’, and that is acceptable. But I am finding that hard to tolerate. And it gets me annoyed, especially when their concern for others goes way deeper. But I’ll get over that right?!
Tomorrow night I am going out. I am going ‘out-out’ for the first time in 4 months. I am wearing a new dress (because I can fit into it even after all the weight loss!) and heels and a face full of make up. Lots of people will be also out, and I am looking forward to a couple drinks and catching up and dancing maybe.. It is going to be hard and fun and possibly frustrating at times (I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve..) and now that I think of it, scary too. But a little fear is good for you isn’t it?