Now, I am not a completely stupid girl, I know that the medication I am on helps me; helps relieve the crohns symptoms, and let’s me go out in to the world and kick ass every day. I know from personal experience that everything else has failed – in one way or another – and this is my option at the moment. And what is a couple hundred £££ worth of injection if not brilliant for giving me back my life? So what, I have to actually stick a needle in my thigh bi- weekly? So what, if it takes two hours to kick in? So what, if it stings like a bitch to start with and I swear out loud? (Good job I do it at home, alone, nowadays)
But, I won’t ever get used to it. Its been three months now and I am fine. More than fine, brilliant. Everything is happening and I can keep up with it all! I don’t feel any guilt for missing things! I can talk and talk and be honest and open about everything! Only positives! But that little fucking subcutaneous needle is a right prick. You hurt me! I sit, freshly alcohol wiped thigh, pen posed on my skin, wanting my silly little brain to push that goddamn top and release my medication into my system. No, I just can’t do it.
Today, my mind raced:
“What if it doesn’t work this time? What if my deceptive immune system isn’t rid of this cold yet? I want my meds! I want to feel better! I have a busy ass weekend! I’ve got things to do, my life to live! PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON LOUISE! Do it! Don’t chicken out! DON’T! Now is NOT the time to give up!”
Seems Daphne is pretty damn perceptive and on the ball today.
Should I be surprised I feel this way? Should I ever ‘get used’ to doing this to myself? I don’t ever get used to getting my legs waxed, or my blood taken, or having a canulla placed, why this? Because I am in control of it? Would I feel this much confusion if someone else was administering my crohns medication?
See? Too many thoughts. Its bloody kicking in again..
(I write this, with shaky hands, moments after my injection.. I tend to forget what I feel right after it, but yes, still shook up)