Having to face people day to day who have no idea that you are suffering the side-effects of medications because you are sick..
It is Day 9 of Humira.
I can actually feel the strength falling out of my body, through my fingers and feet. Every step I am taking is one less step of strong I have left inside of me.
I wish I could sleep better. The insomnia is at its worse when I am coming to the end of my cycle. I sit in bed at night, praying for some shut eye. Praying for more than 2 hours of uninterrupted, blissful Zzzzz.
I try my best every day I am at work to be positive and happy. It is easy some days, working is pretty simple and I always have a good time. Other days, it is like hell. It is painful and torturous and very very lengthy. But overall, I remain in high spirits. It only takes one (stupid) person to say something innocent to me about my condition and then it is all gone. Today it was about how long I had been away from work – 5 months. Apparently that is ‘too long’ for what I have. No regard for my time spent in hospital, not the weeks I spent gaining my strength back, not the time it took me to get over all / deal with my infections and tests and scans.. Nothing. Just complete disregard for my health. Because at 23, I shouldn’t be sick, let alone tired and really irritable. They know nothing of the hell I’ve been through, and less about what is really like to have an incurable condition.
Yes, I should try my best to leave it all outside of the work place, but it is hard to try and be cheery when I am lacking in sleep. It is hard to smile some days when I am in so much pain I just want to cry. But I show up and do my job, and I do it bloody well too!
Sometimes, I don’t know where the Crohns ends and the Depression starts. And with no medication or any therapy for the latter (as of yet) I find myself getting very annoyed and stressed and thus, flaring up. Admittedly, once I have calmed down, my symptoms relieve themselves, and I get back to being myself. This is why I can’t stand bullshit. I don’t care for whispering and secrets. Just man up and tell me whats on your mind! Its pretty simple. Creating problems when they should not exist is what gets me all rattled up and annoyed.