From bad to worse?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say the following:

I am pretty sure that this is not just a cold anymore.

It has been 5 weeks and it not going anywhere. I also pretty certain that it has gotten worse in the last couple days. It started last last month with just the sniffles. I took my Humira as normal and thought nothing of it. Mid to late April, it developed a cough with it too. Began to worry about that being mixed in with my Humira. It cleared for a day or two, took the injection like normal on the Thursday, fine. By the end of the weekend the cough was now chesty. Not that persistent but still annoying.

Last Friday I went into Birmingham to see a movie. Working all weekend. The cold is most definitely alot worse. My symptoms including: a very runny nose. A blocked head and ear. Slight fever. Achy knees. Very chesty painful cough. I am not sleeping. Last night I got a couple hours and spend the rest of the morning hacking up my lung and wishing I could just get 5 minutes of sleep, just five!

I know I have no immune system. I know I have to take medication to control my Crohn’s and I know it makes me unwell at a moments notice. I can not accept this, I just can’t. Don’t ask me why – I am pretty smart, I know the benefits of medication ‘bettering my life’ and I am fine with it being a life long issue – but I just can’t get over the fact that my body is not like it was before. I have limitations. I have to eat right and carefully. I can’t drink myself stupid. I have to be careful of other people’s illnesses. I want to live a ‘normal life’, I want to be able to do everything and anything I want. I try to just be me and live.

I was given a help sheet once I started Humira, about all the possible signs of complications or side effects. Some are pretty straight forward, others very obscure, but one is praying on my mind: SIGNS OF INFECTIONS. If me right now is not a sign of infection, I don’t know what is. So I have a dilemma on my hands..

1. Am I not just being dramatic? It’s just a bad cold right?

2. If I’m not, what exactly am I expecting to happen? I can’t see it being a picnic, whatever way I look at it.

3. It is May Day Bank Holiday. No IBD nurse on the end of the phone, no one at the Gastro department, GP practice isn’t open. There is the local community hospital and then A&E. Neither are appealing today.

4. I am working today. No one can cover my shift. Also working tomorrow and Wednesday. My next day off is Thursday, and my Humira injection is then. I am pushing it a little close to just leaveit until then.

5. How exactly do you explain to someone who hasn’t got IBD or who isn’t on Humira; an immunosuppressant, that you feel like shit and would like some help? It is a battle on convincing someone to believe in you. That added to everything else just makes me want to break down and cry. Hard.

It seems sometimes, you just can not win.

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