Expectations

I know that is it unrealistic to have expectations when it comes to my Crohns, but I can’t help it sometimes. When things were bad, I just wanted to be better. I wanted my new medication to work and I wanted to get back to my normal life.

And in a way, I am back, and I am as normal as I’ll ever be again. But starting Humira back in December was a scary affair. I was very aware that I could not spend the rest of my days on steroids –  and I really didn’t want to have to take a daily 40mg and three Adcal to counter react the Osteoporosis – and these injections would help like nothing else. They did! They do! But lately, they don’t seem to last as long as I can last. As my strength and pain threshold has return to normal – and sometimes, higher – I wonder if these compensations; the tiredness, achy back / feet / arms / legs, grummy early morning tum; are nothing but normal expectations of Humira. Or expectations of my own body returning to ‘normal’.

I know that if I felt even worst that I do in the second week of my cycle, I would push my doctor to change my cycle length. But as it stands, 3 months is too early to tell if anything is wrong. But what about my gut? What about the feeling I have that I could do so much more if I had my injection every 10 days instead of 14? I know exactly how much I can do, how far I can push myself, and those last few days on Humira are sometimes so painful. I try and do everything I can to get through it all without complain or pain but sometimes I just want to walk out of work and get my ass back into bed. But I can’t. I have a responsibility to finish my shift. I have the compulsive need to finish what I start. I do not quit.

Should I not expect to feel ‘great’ all of the time whilst on Humira? Should it always give me those great days to start with and then fade? The gut ache and joint pain is only in those three final days. And it is not always work. It used to take a couple minutes to kick in, now it takes at least a hour. What has happened? Is it my body getting more acquainted with it? Getting used to it being in my system? There are too many variables!

This is one of the main reasons why I feel another diary to keep track of my symptoms; with regards to the Humira, Daphne and general stress of work. Now that I have fixed my diet and have cut out those harmful things, I can try and narrow down the causes of the problems. But, and this is a massive issue, I always wonder how different it would be without Daphne being around. Or how it might change when I start my counselling. Or if nothing will change. Either way, I’ll know a little more..

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