Heard of the phrase “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips”? I choose to add; “pushing through the guts” too and it is bloody true for me right now.
I had pizza for dinner last night. It was delicious, dont get me wrong and nothing out of the ordinary. But it most definitely did not feel that way at 5.30 in the morning.
That gut wrenching pain that spreads through my left lower quadrant doubling me up in pain. That bring me to begin cursing my stupid hunger the night before and whatever possessed me to eat so much of it. Many many early morning trips to the bathroom.. I’m feeling a little sorry for myself right now.
It takes me back to Sick Lou and her inability to feel anything but her Crohns doing double speed and time on her body. Of all the times I was afraid to eat in fear of spending another night on the bathroom floor wishing the pain would ease up enough so I could sleep for just a couple hours. Of the infamous Green Weekend. Of the failed medications. None of it good, but all part of the journey.
So, you know what major thought is running around my mind right now? THE MIRACLE OF HUMIRA. I love this medication so much! I’m sat contemplating the wonder that is Humira. Of how much worse this morning could very well be without it running through my system. Of how much worse this pain could be. This might bring back lots of oddly soothing and familiar memories for me, but a flare up would really put a spanner in the works. The reality of my condition kicks in and I really realise that I am sick or might always be. And even if I’m not, I will always think I am.
So those fleeting moments of normality – the simple pleasure of eating without thinking or without consideration, the example I choose here – are going to have to become less and less if I want to avhieve my goal: of sticking with Humira and avoiding the ‘pain’ of a flare up, big or small. Only the ones beyond my control – and lets hope that is many months or years away – can stop me from this.
Well, you know, after spending some time curled up in bed with my tiny pity party of one for a couple hours… It is very early after all.