Day Twenty Three – Greatest Weakness

hawmc2013“…will always remain one of my greatest weaknesses”

What would you consider being your biggest weakness?

Probably not the nicest things to discuss, but I’ve always known that I had weaknesses – you wouldn’t be a human if you didn’t – but being weak – actual physical weakness – was something I couldn’t deal with. Even on the basic level of tiredness, I was always trying to evade it, to push through the barrier of ‘pain’ and just keep going. It resulted in surviving on a couple hours sleep a night becoming the normal. University really pushed me to the limits with a lack of sleep. I spent alot of time working, studying and subsequently partying extremely hard. I trained for Waterpolo a couple times a week. I just kept going. I didn’t know how tired I was until I graduated and came home. I slept. And slept. And slept. For what seemed like weeks. Jobs helped. My current job started back in October 2010, 6 ish months after leaving UEA. I got sick with my Crohn’s just under a year later.

I was never really ill until the Crohn’s popped up and scared the life out of me.

I was weak, so tiny, in the hospital. Every time I came out it got worse. When I finally turned the corner, it was the worst. It was terrible being that vulnerable to things – infections was the highest on my list – and I hated my body. It had succumbed to the weakness that Crohn’s came and beat me over the head with. I almost didn’t want to fight. I was just tired. I was shocked too. That I could go from that life to this now ill ridden one.

The same is true in this very moment. I’ve just looked at my photos from my birthday celebrations down in Norwich this weekend. I look.. different. I know its me, I see my face and body every day in the mirror. But one look at the faces of my friends – so familiar in all of my university photos – and then look at my own face; it feels like a stranger. It is hard to believe that I was as sick as I was. That it happened to me. That I lost that much weight. That I’ll never look like I did before. That I cut all my hair off and I couldn’t ever imagine letting it grow out the length it was. It all feels quite surreal.

I have moments lately when I feel especially weak. And it’s not the Crohn’s. Its not the medications. It is not anything to do with my body, it is my mind. I feel very weak. I feel fickle. I feel jaded and I feel lonely. I am waiting for something, I just don’t know what. That is my weakness too; contemplating everything that could happen, that I want to happen; instead of concentrating on the present. On what is right in front of me.

(I wrote this several days before posting. Alot has changed. I edited it, to make it flow. Changed some of the words, a few tenses. Things are better. I still feel weak. But I don’t feel so alone about. I found some happiness. I really did. I found something…)

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