What’s a day that you wish you could have used a pain-free pass (either in the future or the past)? How would being pain or worry-free impact that day?
Having just had my 25th birthday and spent that day in quite abit of pain – through my joints and my gut – I would really like a pain free pass on every birthday. Think of it as a absolutely brilliant birthday present, health gods. It would be fantastic. Just one day. Kick me down every other day, just let me have April 16th off from all the nausea and rotten joints.
Being slightly pessimistic, I know that will never happen. I can try my very best to control and manage my pain in the lead up to my birthday, but it will never be permanently gone. I would question it more if I didn’t feel it. Sounds rather, confusing yes? Let me explain.
Feeling pain lets me know my Crohn’s is real.
Feeling my knees throb and creak and swell lets me know I have real problems. That I am not “faking” or being “over dramatic” with my symptoms. That they actually manifest into something tangible and oh so damn real.
Why do I feel this way? I admit, it feels odd to contemplate my health and indeed my life in such a way. I never felt like this before I had Crohn’s, in fact, I was so anti pain and sickness it is quite a shock how much I have changed (through necessary more than desire). But I’ve spent so much of my time in hospital wondering if it was absolutely necessary being there, was I really that sick, if not, why couldn’t I leave? How serious is Crohn’s exactly? I was very naive. Several moments during my longest admission I realised that, actually, I was sick. I wasn’t meant to be getting rid of green out of my body, nor was I meant to be 7st, nor was I meant to be this much agony. But, you get used to the pain, it becomes duller over time.
And after I got my medication sorted and I began to have good days, really good days compared to my bad days, I was so sure again that it was a dream. That every thing I once felt was a dream and not actually happening to me. Even though I was right there when they scoped me and saw an angry red colon. I was there when I was dehydrated and unable to walk. I was there when drugs failed to keep food inside of me. I was there when I was NG tubed. I was there! It was real.
But in the world outside of pain and the hospital, I soon forget my condition. Because I can’t wear my colon on my sleeve. No one can see it. Sometimes, I can hardly “feel” my Crohn’s. I don’t feel sick. And I certainly don’t look sick. So, to feel my pain, I feel reassured that it is there. At least that is tangible and real.