Day Eighteen – “I take it back..”

HAWMC2013

Write about a time that you lashed out at someone close to you because of frustration / fear / anger resulting from your health condition and you wish you could take it back. Forgive yourself and let it go. On the flip side, write about a time that someone said something to you that they wished they could take back. Did you forgive them? Why or why not?

In last year’s HAWMC I wrote candidly about acceptance and Crohn’s Disease. Most of the posts reflected my feelings towards anxiety and fear in being accepted once again because of this invisible condition that I have. Since then, and since my bout of counselling, I’ve become better at accepting what has happened to me and what I go through on a daily basis.

However, this year, and recently before HAWMC started once more, anger and frustration has been a subconscious theme of my writing. It has been a painful start to 2013, it’s a daily struggle to get out of bed but I have forced myself to rise and get started with the day and get some of the ‘morning pains’ out of the way in order to fill the day with the best of what I can do, physically and mentally. For the most part, I’ve succeeded. I’ve gotten a better routine down for my medications and I’ve been able to work earlier and feel some sort of accomplishment before the clock strikes noon.

But, I’ve been angry alot. At myself. At my body. At my boyfriend. At work. At my friends and family. At my stupid medications. At my doctor. At my sleeping pattern. At myself. I’ve been so angry at myself. I’ve felt so frustrated and trapped because of my unhealthy and unhappy body. Underneath the surface there is trouble and the battle of not letting that bubble over and come out into my actual life is so damn hard. And at times, unavoidable. And I feel so uncontrollably guilty when it happens, but it is a natural part of my disease. To be angry and let my pain govern my feelings, and my actions, to an extend.

I’ve had numerous ‘conversations’ with my boyfriend when I’ve been in uncontrollable pain. Because I expect him to help me. I have gotten used to him being around and doing little things for me, so much so that I expect him to be able to read my face and eyes for pain. He is a bloke. He doesn’t do that. He doesn’t know what pain is like, not pain like this. It is hard to explain to anyone who isn’t a chronic pain sufferer or an invisible illness sufferer. Unless, I am just that awful at communicating about it (which would be ironic, seem as I spent a great deal of my time communicating here on my blog, to you, dear reader) but it always a challenge. So, on many occasions I’ve yelled. And cried and told him to fuck off. I’ve sometimes meant it and he has almost walked away. I make things worse by being sarcastic and ‘lying’ (aka omitting the honest truth to him, the one person I want to share the rest of my life with), so much that he just throws his hands up and can’t cope with me anymore. That hurts me. And it hurts most because I know I caused that.

So, can I forgive myself for all this behaviour? No. Because it does not stop. It is so much of a part of me, dealing with my Crohn’s alone – it is almost a solitary condition that you can’t help but feel alone but make yourself alone because there is no way anyone else can understand or want to understand this – that I don’t let him in on purpose. Why would he want to? I find his want to be with me boggling. Me? Really, me? Of all the people, me? Shock. It embarrasses me. Like I find my Crohn’s embarrassing at times.. I really don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a learning curve and it is as much as one for me as it is for him. Keep trying? That’s all I can do.

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