When I write my thoughts down earlier on this week about this post, I thought I would feel great whilst re reading it before posting it today. Alas, it has been a rough couple days. A rough week, it would seem. Its come out of nowhere and I feel lost. Unsure. I hate this feeling, it creeps up upon you until it consumes you. And I’m still trying to deal with how to not let it get the better of me. Its tough. I won’t lie.
So this is the best conversation I had this week. It was Wednesday at work and I was sorting out the orders to some customers. On returning to the till, I struck up a conversation with someone. She is always the most lovely person to me. Has always been so proud of me for being myself and being there, in the shop, despite the past. I had been struggling with the discussion I’d had with my counsellor days before and out of the blue this person reassured me I am coping extremely well for what has happened. Most of the time, I don’t really think about how I am doing, I just get on with it, especially at work.
“You can’t help but think about things can you?”
“No, I really can’t. It seems like some days its very much at the front of my mind. Always there, it never switches off.”
“Self doubt is part and parcel of your condition. If you didn’t think about things, doubt them, or you were already accepting of everything that is happening to you, happened to you and will happen to you; that would be different. It would be impossible. So what you are going through is natural for you. And no one else can ever tell you that what yo feel isn’t valid or isn’t real.”
I told her briefly about my IBD family and my blog, her response was a simple “That is amazing!” I forget sometimes that this blog and my conversations with other Crohnies are helping me. Are aiding my recovery and helping me face my troubles head on. She told me I was a very strong young lady for getting back here (work) when I did. She knew how sick I was and how complicated my recovery was and how difficult it is to have a chronic illness. That what I was doing, despite my feelings – or lack therefore of them – about what I am doing to cope, is a good path to be on. That I shouldn’t feel any guilt for being how I am, for acting like I do. That how I protect myself is my business and it is no one else’s to comment on.
I love that.