Time

I’ve spend a lot of time in the past couple months in and out of hospital for various things related to my newly diagnosed Crohn’s disease; leading to many hours of just sitting in a bed waiting around. I’m not a person to dwell on the cards dealt, so to speak; I tend to distract myself quite easily from all the medication, scans and general bad feelings surrounding Crohn’s; but I do think A LOT about everything else. And ‘everything else’ seems and sounds – out loud – so very trivial compared.

Things like: how am I going to get back to work? How early can I go back to work? What will I be able to do? Will I still be able to work as much as I did? Would I have to eventual look for something else? Why hasn’t blah blah not contacted me? Am I just a miserable cow for feeling so low and not wanting social interaction? What will they think about me now? Do they know anything about Crohn’s? What happens if we’re out and I become ill? Who do I tell / turn to? How will I still be me without a drink at the pub? How will I face them once they know?

Right now, in this moment, all this IS trivial. All of these above questions can be worked out; have been worked out. But its like when I go for a scan; until I REALLY think about it, there is no fear. There is no nervousness. There is no anticipation. It is all just a mess of words and jumbled up emotions (and sometimes I blame my medication – steroids mainly now – for this, but it’s not always: I know it’s just ‘me being me’ too) so I keep it to myself. I just deal with the million thoughts going through my mind on my own.

And when it comes to relationships, dating, even friendships; I find it hard to explain to my support group. The outrage they might show upon finding out I spend a lot of my alone time thinking about my ex boyfriend and our friendship group and how things have changed (without them knowing, because they still don’t) and how I wish it wasn’t this way (and I feel low and upset whenever I think THAT way.. Ugh); that is what scares me. It is what makes me push all my ‘lusty’ feelings and ‘drama’ feelings aside.

So what I fear the most is not my next two scans (bone density and MRI) nor is it self injecting (I’ve started Humira this month) or anything medical, it is all this emotional crap. Everything I never gave two fucks about is now all I care about – secretly. Because on the outside I am so brazen and ‘brave’ about my condition, it seems as if I am in control.

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