Oh Rats.

So. It’s been almost two weeks since I opened up a blog post and wrote something.

I can only apologise.

I’ve been going through an abundant amount of pain and frustration. Along that includes my Crohns related aliments, work, family and my actual body. I’ve been ashamed how easily I neglected this forum of creativity and its ability to get me vent my frustrations, to air my views, to get things out of my head, onto paper and into the void. I’ve missed the rush of escapism.

Just under two weeks ago, I was in agony. My joints were flaring up. This was new to me; not for almost a year have my joints been so painful they have brought me to a depressive state. I wasn’t taking painkillers, preferring to ride out the pain – unsuccessfully – and just getting through things by smiling. Sadly, I got my Humira shot a couple days later and I was dying for it.. eager for some new energy and something to take my mind off of it. It didn’t: I yelped in pain and its been slow to subside since. I went to the doctor and finally got some answers: Its probably Crohn’s related Arthritis developing slowly. This isn’t a certainly, not a guarantee but most likely. I will have to watch it carefully; wait as my body slowly deteriorates so much so that I am going to be unable to work. Thus, my agony over work.

I had to reside myself to fact that I needed to cut my hours back. To taking a sick day, of feeling the resentment from collegues about my lack of apparent aliments, of what was causing me pain. I was frustrated. I’ve been saddened by people and their comments, their lack of support. It shouldn’t matter like it does, but in a weary way, I care. I am stupid for caring about those who don’t care about me, it baffles me. It led me down a dark road of hatred and anger and painful sleepless nights. Of nightmares, of arguments, of more dramatic and apparent fatigue.. it was all down hill.

I laugh now, how could I have let that happen to me? That snowballing effect in full swing, of just feeling bad for myself, of anger, of jealousy, of wanting to get sicker to be taken serious, of loosing my drive my ambition to be okay with this, great with this. I was back down the line of not accepting this.

What is different now?

The pain is gone for once. I started taking some painkillers and trying to just combat my fatigue. Not being so anger about things, and accepting that some days off will help me gain some perspectives. It works on and off.

Return here.. I hope that helps too.

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