It was December 15th and I finally felt good.
I was a month out of hospital and just had a Humira injection – one of the first amazing few – and was home alone.
I came upstairs into my room and got my make up out. It had been months and months since I had even opened the bag and felt any inclination to feel ‘pretty’. I took out my mascara and my favourite eye shadow and began. I then found my new dress – the one I had brought the only day I had shopped in all the time off I’d had, one Saturday in October – and put it on. Here is the result.
I look at this picture and can’t quite believe that the girl there is the same girl who is sat here, 6 months later. I won’t ever not feel this way about that picture. I will always feel like it is a different person, a completely different time in my life – well, until it happens all over again and I’m scared of the world around me – a completely wild dream I’ve imagined up. A vivid one.
I regret not having any pictures taken whilst in hospital. Sadly, it wasn’t on my mind back then. But as I push through my counselling sessions and figure things out, the more I wish I’d be courageous enough to bear to capture myself like that.. even just for future reference. I’ve got this picture and the ones that followed it; as I got healthier and ‘being sick’ was just something that had ‘happened’ to me, once. It makes me a little sad.. in a very weird and uncommon way. It feels almost wrong.