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I got some NACC information leaflets in the post on Saturday. Humira. Azathioprine. Food. Surgery.

All the information that scared me shitless 10 months ago. I remember so vividly the day I was handed that sheet about Adalimumab. I took it in my sweaty, double IVed hand and swallowed hard. I was really sick. I wouldn’t be the same again. I would never been normal again, I would be alone and I would be scared. I felt different but I sat in my bed, dumb struck that I was a skinnier version of myself. I couldn’t quiet believe that this was my life, that this was all happening to me. Me..! Of all of the things, I had to get really sick. I couldn’t have just been a simple bit of gastroenteritis. I had to have a life long medical condition.

I wandered around Boots a couple days ago and came to a Rumbler’s Strawberry Pot. A Thursday at work in July 2011. It was the first time I had eaten something ‘healthy’ and being unwell afterwards. Thought it was just too much for me to handle, that I was overworked, was tired and pushing myself too hard. My break in early August would sort me out. I was so care free last year. Something as simple as that takes me back to the good and bad times of my life. Of all the change.. of everything.

I am clouded by memories. I can see what I want to have, want to be, how I want to live; that big picture stuff. Of all the things I want, they are tainted by Crohn’s Disease and its effects on my life. I feel like this is a nightmare sometimes. Not because it is painful nor is it unpleasant.. but how can this be me? Is this really happening to me? How do I change to be good with this? How do I finally accept it? Do I need to finally to wake up and realise this is me and nothing will ever change that?

Tough shit, Lou, this is it. Please, be okay with it.

Tears, streaming down my cheeks.