Crohn’s is a long term chronic illness. There is alot about it that takes a long time ot digest and accept.
For being just about 6 months into all this shit (ha!), I think it is reasonable to say that I’ve pretty much accepted alot of what will happen to me. That my illness is serious, despite its ability to disappear and reappear without notice. That my medication is necessary to my survival. That my family will always try their best to understand, despite not being able to feel my pain completely. That I have limitations. That I have a boundary that I must not push.
One thing which has up to this point – and I hope it continues – scared me beyond belief is that that eventually, at some point, I will have to have surgery. This thought actually brings tears to my eyes. The fact that I will have to be opened up and explored and cut deep – quite literally – terrifies me. But it is a very last resort. And it will be the only option left to me, and it will be necessary for my survival. And if I keep that in mind, I feel safe in the knowledge that is it years and years away, hopefully.
What I find really hard is how much I have used Crohns to hide behind.
I have used it as an excuse. I don’t want to. I don’t want to let it define my life, or who I am, or how I am seen. Thus, my reluctance to get involved (again) with anyone. And yes, this makes me very difficult to get to know. I don’t want this to be true, or to even continue. But to me, Crohns is my life. And in that statement, I realise that is is MY life, and it is personal to me. It is not up for discussion. It is my life, and with that, I decide when it is right to explain about it, and how much is said. It is a scary topic, for anyone to hear about. I know that freaking much!
So what defines me, if not for the Crohns? I’m pretty smart and savvy. I’m not exactly bad to look at. I can have a great laugh. I find silly things very very amusing. I am easy to please, if you know how to. I can be extremely honest, but caring and trustworthy. I work hard. I play hard. I enjoy what good days I have by doing what I want, and I accept my bad days. I believe in love, despite everything, of a triumphant person coming in and finding someone worth fighting for. Or finding something worth sitting down and wanting every day. I will always do what I believe to be right, and I fight like hell.
But I can be stubborn. And easily annoyed and angered. I have days of a dark cloud lingering over my head occasionally. I have had a messy love life. I’ve got a mad as a hatter family. I have a protective family. I can be pretty insecure. I can be completely bonkers at times. I have a high sex drive. I get lonely in instances of insignificance. I beat myself up too much about things. I over analyse things.
By definition, Crohns is a small part of who I am. But it has ingulfed my life. It took my body and I was its prisoner. I was trapped. I will always be trapped by it in some ways, but in others it is letting up. It is giving me some choices I never had. It is giving me strength I never knew I had. It is giving me a voice I never thought I would ever want to have, let alone use. It is an evil genius.
Half of me knows that Crohns is nothing to do with who I am, and I should be respectful of that. But the other half of me want to use Crohns as a crux. That is should always figure into everything. It shouldn’t. But it can not be independent in my decision making. Which makes doing / saying / being anything of late, very difficult. This is one of the reasons why I am awake so much at night, because I am chewing the fat over. I am mulling over my words. Why am I so damn cautious?! Why has this part of my personality changes so drastically because of just a little medical thing? Ugh, it frustrates me to even write that down. It sound pathetic and completely unlike myself. Hateful.
I can’t come to terms with this. And I despise how silently this has crept up on me.