A New Chapter?

Tomorrow I see a new doctor; a Rheumatologist.

This appointment has been on the cards since late March when I first made complain to my GP that I was in agony and paracetamol wasn’t cutting it anymore. I was taking it all, every day and each day the pain got worse or I got more used to the pills, either way, I wasn’t getting better. The headaches and joint pains were not lifting and getting out of bed was getting increasingly more difficult. I was getting to my tethers end.

Since my Co-codamol adventures have begun – my new prescripted pain medication – I have been able to avoid agonising days such as I had before for at the most, a week to 10 days at a time. I thought this was pretty good, I wasn’t experiencing the consistent dull ache in my bones and my headaches werent too troublesome. But about a month ago, I was back to painkiller days – where I would take my allowed 8 paracetamols and then 2 Co-codamol at night to help me sleep. I would do a couple days of this, feel the pain ease off and stop. This hasn’t happen since, but I have been cautious to have so much painkiller in my system in one go, again.

As the fatigue of being medication free has trundled on, I’ve found the pain I once felt twinge back into my life once more. Its made me more clumsy and stupid than I care to be. But with this fatigue comes my lazy attitude of “well, whatever, fuck it”; something I find very distasteful and not at all myself. It scares me, now how little I am bothered about my pain. I feel hazed, like my mind is covered in fog that is very hard to lift.

I generally, also, feel unwell. Thank you bad bowels and stressful life.

My fear is that I will get answers tomorrow that scare me and I won’t wake up.

I feel unsure of how much pain I am actuallu going through and whether or not I have just become so used to it, its normal and I don’t see it as pain. See, I still go to work and do my brownies sessions and my crohns meetings, so am I really in pain? Has it all just dulled my senses to what is actually painful?

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