Misery DOES NOT enjoy company

I am feeling utterly miserable today.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I don’t feel happy at all.

Maybe it’s the 4am wake up call my subconscious gave me this morning, the belly pain that started up soon after my eyes adjusted to the sun coming up, or even the denial of why I was awake at that time.

It could be the lack of activities I have to do at work today. Or the feeling of this week dragging out and knowing the weekend will fly by, once again.

But I just know I’m not a happy Louise today.

I feel teary. Angry. Confused. Hopeless. The lack of things to do is letting me dwell on things.

This job contract ended next week. I’m glad and sad that it might be over. I’m comfortable here but I need more to do, to be kept busy; both physically and mentally. But I’m daunted by starting over at a new company again. Of travelling alone in my car; because today I feel a nervous wreck in it, and want to give up, to give in to my flappy “behind the wheel” emotions. Of being the new person again and making new friends with new colleagues. I definitely find it harder when I’ve not got someone to talk to at work. I know that takes time, but it always makes me feel sad that it’s not happening. It makes me feel different when I’m ignored or not made to feel involved. I already feel different, I don’t need to add to that pile.

My boyfriend also moves to a new town next weekend. Admittedly not that far but its still a new change. It’s something he is doing alone and I feel left behind. That’s my own psychological shit – that I’m prefer to be with someone and achieve together but I’m scared of doing things alone, by myself; something I used to revel in – and I’m very happy he is moving out and finally getting to live by himself, at the ripe age of 30. I’ve done that already, what with three years in Norwich at UEA and one year on exchange in Canada. He needs to do this. But I just wish I could do it too.

Which brings me on to my self worth. What exactly am I doing?

That is a big enough question make me feel low. I don’t even know; I’m temping at the moment, still living at home, battling my body to not reject my current treatment plan so maybe I can start to live my life, with IBD being just a background thought. It is so fucking prominent lately, not because it is bothering me with pain or that many symptoms, but it is just always on my mind. I come to work to forget about my problems, to prove to myself and those who have hired me that I am good, despite my stupid disease. That I am more than that. If I could only just switch my overly emotional mind off for a while to remember that and crack on.

Let’s hope this miserable period ends soon. Preferably tonight. Maybe it’s these bloody Evra patches. Maybe its time to actually take a break from them for a while (like I bloody should!) and take some time to not be so fucking hard on myself. Easier said than done, yes?

Professional ‘help’; here we go again

… I sat there, in the unused doctors room, filling in paperwork with a counsellor. I pause before all the sentences, wondering where my stupid emotions fall on the scale of 0 to 5. I think about how bad I feel about who I am, how I behave and wonder if I will ever stop thinking and feeling so utterly negatively about myself. I think about how most of these thoughts have been since I got my crohnie butt out of hospital two years ago and went back into “life”. I think about how unfair this is all has been and how bleak […]

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** I wrote this post almost two weeks ago, but was in a desperately dark place. Posting it didn’t, at that time, seem appropriate** I find my self being very angry tonight. Why? Because my boyfriend gave blood at a donation drive. I sat there and watch that guy sit through donation for a very selfless reason: Me. I can’t give blood ever again. Despite the Crohn’s, my anemia prevents me from helping someone in need. I find that very frustrating. That I’ve gone from one of the people who had nothing wrong to a person who could very well […]

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Did you know it’s the middle of July already? We are creeping closer to the Autumn – something which I love – and closer to my Crohniversary – something I’m equally looking forward to. But I am sat here, on a half week off, reminding myself that this time last year, things started to turn down into the worst period of my life: GUTS AND PAIN. I hardly ever use medication to control pain, I just sort of ride through it. Migraine, headache, gut ache, period pain; nothing. Maybe this is why I am catious person and have never broken […]

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My honesty will be the death of me. Or maybe it won’t. It is true for everyone – and even more poignant for people who suffer with a chronic, long term illness – that you need a strong support network around you. Know how you get into mine? You stick by me through the bad times. The good times, they come around again eventually, but the test of your character – and of mine, but that’s another story – is how you help me when I’m at my worst. What do you say, what do you do when I am […]

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Counselling last week gave me alot to digest. It may have been the sunny weather or the time I’d been given off work, but I went into session in a very good mood. It showed. We spoke about acceptance. It’s become quite a theme or topic of conversation and my therapist always guides me back to it. I spoke of my freedom off work during the weekend and she asked me about when I started back at work, what it was like. It was a week after my final scan – the lovely MRI bowel scan – and my latest […]

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Belief. I can’t quite believe that this is me, almost two years ago. Its relevance to the present? I feel as if nothing has changed. This was August 2010. It is now May 2012. I’m older. I’m wiser. But I still feel like the same person. I look at that body and I see nothing different. My curves have come back from all those sick days and the time spent in Good Hope. I’m back in a relationship. I’m still at home and I’m still working. I am that person. I might have shorter hair and a ‘new attitude’ but […]

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I’ve been thinking lately about control and acceptance. In my mind it goes round and round, none stop without pause and without slowing down, even just for a second. I make my life more complicated by adding more things to it, constantly. I figure that the more I fight against my Crohn’s the better I will be, or something like that. When I have good times I want to be busy, I want to be helpful, I want to be occupied. Being occupied keeps me sane, in many many ways. Take for example – work. And my volunteering work. And […]

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“Do you wish to continue with the rest of the sessions?” I considered – only for a moment – saying no, at first. But then I contemplated the help my counselling has given me thus far… how it is helping me come to terms with Crohn’s, to accept myself first and everyone else second, to try and communicate better with everyone around me, to becoming more honest about my emotions, to take down my walls and lower my defenses. Yesterdays session was a hard one. I’ve mulled everything over, and I come to the same conclusion; I can not see […]

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“I’m in repair.. I’m not together, but I’m getting there.” This is a post inspired by the loving words of support, the banter and the joy I get from my IBD Twitter family. They are awesome, every single one of them. Since having them all in my life for only the past 5 months, I wonder how I ever coped without them. It is safe to say, with some certainly, that I would be a messier mess if I hadn’t got them around me. And on Saturday I get to meet some more of them face to face. I am […]

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“I miss you”

Kat (hipsteralice) wrote a beautiful piece on WeGoHealth True Tuesday (May 8th) about missing herself. “Those 3 dreaded words: “I miss you.” They make me feel resentment and sadness. Because as much as you may miss me, I miss myself even more… But what happens when you suddenly become chronically ill, and who you are, becomes who you were?” You should feel good when someone says that they miss you. That there is something about you that someone missed and feels compelled to gravitate towards you once more. But like Kat said, when you become chronically ill, who you are, becomes […]

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Being in Control

Today’s counselling session looked at ‘control’ Defined as being ‘to exercise resistant or direction over, to curb, to dominate, to command, to check or regulate’. I regularly feel as if I am not in control of anything. That my condition lends itself to being manageable but yet very untameable. I have no real say over what my guts do, or when they decide to behave (although, I am much better at ‘taming’ them than I ever was before medication and diagnosis) nor do I have a say in whether or not my current medication works or not (or any other intervention come […]

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Everywhere

taletreader is completing the HAWMC and posted this yesterday. I read it and it got me thinking about ‘everywhere’. It is hard to explain to people how much your chronic illness affects your life. It’s constant. It is everywhere. Even in the nooks and crannies you hadn’t thought about. Under rocks you hadn’t checked previously. It seeps through your bones and fills your chest. It hurts when it shouldn’t. It makes your ache when all you want is some relief. Lately, Crohn’s has spread. It’s constantly in my head. Is it my medication? Is it my new friendships, my new […]

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The Struggle

“Lou, we need to talk..” This sentence fills me with dread. It is fresh in my mind. It’s lead to tears. I sit here, trying my hardest to find the best way to put my thoughts into words. But I re read those words above and I am back sat in that pub, next to you as you break me into a million pieces. The moment you took the rug from underneath my feet and gave me nothing but that sheepish look. I despise that look with a passion. It says nothing, when all I want you to do is […]

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Fuck.

I’m just going to put this out there: Counselling has really messed with my head. I know, in some way, it is meant to. But seriously, it does this? I feel like a goldfish. Just swimming around around the bowl in circles, without being able to find a answer. That’s all I want, some answers. So desperately. So I can get some sleep. So I can talk without hesitation or planning. I am unable to switch off. I don’t feel guilty or weak for seeking help, its the opposite – I am finally doing something about all the things I […]

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Counselling

I feel very apprehensive writing this post. Mostly because I am little scared about admitting and working through my thoughts on my counselling sessions. I can openly talk about my Crohn’s and its effects on my life, but everything else? That might be too much, right? I had my introduction session with my therapist, Wendy, today. She asked me a whole bunch of questions, most of which I nervously tugged at my tights when answering them. I didn’t want to be nervous, but there I was, sitting in a doctors office, talking to yet another stranger about my life. About […]

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Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. Rachel Naomi Remen  (via anditslove)

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Day 13

So, today is the final day of the current Humira cycle. Yes, it ist just gone midnight on a Wednesday, but I for some reason am wide awake. This cycle has felt completely different. I’ve had so many days of feeling so damn good, it is slightly scary. I’m used to my body starting to flag on Day 9 and start seriously running on fumes by Day 12. This time around? Nothing like that. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been very open and honest about the fact that I have very bad days and very good days – […]

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Moving On.

Being told you have an incurable condition is pretty mind boggling at the best of times. There is so much that runs through you head: what if it never hits remission, what if the meds don’t work, what if I need endless surgeries, how much pain will I have to put up with, when will it stop? It takes an indefinite amount of time to get comfortable with this, with your new found skin. I didn’t handle it pretty well. I suffered through a range of emotions: starting with constant crying, to welling up every time I thought about my […]

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Happiness

There is always some sort of expectation to be happy. Especially seen as I am “alive” and “healthy”. This usually comes from people without a care in the world. Those people who think my life is exactly the same as before I got sick. Well, sadly, it is not. And its not always a happy day for me. Why is there so much emphasis on being ‘happy’? All of the time? Sure, I can sort of see why being happy and positive is such a life assuring thing, but for me, good days are few and far between. To be […]

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